"What the Hell you doing?" ... "mmmm - nothing"

This singer, Shaggy had a song called "It Wasn't me", do you remember that song? Basically Shaggy is giving advice to this young man about lying. The young man is confessing to Shaggy that he was caught fooling around on his girlfriend with another girl. Shaggy's advice, "it wasn't me".  I know this guy from back home who told me the same advice some years ago.

This guy, Jimmy told me about his own adventure as an illustration on how to handle a delicate situation. Jimmy was fooling around with this younger woman named Debbie. I used to crush on Debbie when I was a kid (Actually I crushed on many girls, but never went beyond admiration from a-far). Anyway Jimmy was a little crazy over this younger woman and he wanted a way to be with her, without getting his wife Marilyn wise to the situation. So Jimmy had a get together with his wife and "their" friend Debbie. The get together included drinks. It was getting late and time for bed after a number of drinks. Jimmy and Marilyn went to bed while Debbie took the couch. Jimmy waited for the breathing of Marilyn to change. "Ah-ha, Marilyn is sleeping"... the sleep of someone who has had a number of drinks. That deep sleep.  So old Jimmy slinks out of bed and goes to join Debbie on the couch for some hugging, kissing and "letting the good times roll".

Son of gun, didn't Jimmy fall asleep on the floor in the living room. Guess who was sleeping beside him, with her arm draped across his waste?

The light of morning was all around the room.  Jimmy stirred a bit and felt something is not right. Jimmy opened his eyes. Staring down at him, with a look that can only be described as scary, was Marilyn.  Jimmy jumped up and rushed into the kitchen, all the while zipping his pants and buckling his belt. Marilyn was on his back talking, questioning and yelling. Jimmy was thinking all the while his ear was being blasted with sounds that seemed to be coming from his wife's mouth.

"Nope", he said, "Nope."  "Nope" was all that Jimmy could say.  Not sure if it was nope he couldn't understand how he got on the floor and how his pants got unbuckled, but Jimmy was sure it was "Nope". At this time it is unclear as to what happened to Debbie or what she did or said.  Jimmy told me that he just kept denying that anything happened.

I have some of mine own "It wasn't me" stories, but nothing as classic as Jimmy and Debbie (names have been changed to protect the innocent). Like the other night for example: it was 1:30 in the morning and everyone was sleeping. Well everyone except for me. I was up and so figured "hey I should take pictures of Aviree sleeping". Aviree is our 6 month old granddaughter. She stays with us. My wife has to get up early and go to work. My daughter has to get up and go to school. So anyway, I was busy getting the camera ready, talking to our dog Bruce Willis and just exploring the house as I was thinking. I went into the bedroom and started to snap shots of baby with flash going. All of a sudden, "What the Hell you doin'!!!"  I turned and saw my wife with her index finger point at me. I said what I always say, "nothing".  I guess all that talking walking, opening doors and shuffling was a bit loud.

But that is my standard line, "nothing".  Thanks Jimmy for the great advice.

What does it say when you hope your Dad dies?

What an awful sentiment that you hope for someone to die. Not just anyone but your Dad?

Fucking Cancer!  I feel so angry that cancer is slowly killing my Dad. The family is with him.
He has become a shell of what he is. No eating, just taking fluids. He went from someone who, despite his memory loss, was in good shape physically. He would walk and walk. People in the community would see him walking on the road. Dad would be wearing his road safety vest so drivers could see him. Now he is so weak from the Cancer that he barely gets out of bed. Fucking Cancer.
He is in constant pain. Up until not so many days ago, he would still try and tease and joke. The last couple of days, he is not able to speak much. Never mind get up and try and walk. He can still stand and walk but very shaky. He has fallen a few times. His nose looks like it is broken because of a fall.

Tonight I could not control my anger. My anger at seeing my Dad suffer.  Cancer is a sick beast. It took my Mom in the same way. She could not eat. Fucking Cancer. I don't unleash anger at anyone but at me.

My brother Don and sister Jean went to a Cancer prevention event this past weekend. They are trying to help in ways to defeat cancer. Me, I do nothing.

When I am visiting around I pretend to cope. I act stupid and say stupid things. Make people laugh or cringe at my stupid attempts at comedy or joke telling. It is stupid act. I am hurting. Like all of them I guess.

Fucking Cancer. It takes away your life. It first takes the quality of life that you have than it slowly and painfully eats you. Fucking Cancer.

It makes you want someone to die. Fucking Cancer!  What can you say about something that would make you wish for death for someone so dear to you??? Fucking Cancer. It takes everything. Their ability to do the simplest things for themselves. What chance do you have? 

For me every night the pain comes in the form of regret. All of my ugly past comes to haunt me. Why could I have not been a better son? Why could I have not caused so much pain to my parents?  The bad things I have done flood my mind. I can't stop it. So it starts, "oh its all about me again".  Fucking Cancer. Why does my Dad have to suffer?  Fucking Cancer. I see  my brother and sister struggle to come to grips with the pain that my Dad endures. Fucking Cancer. How come I didn't do this before for my Dad? I should have been better son.  I should have been there more for him.

I love my Dad. I will never say that to him. And I never will hear that from him. It does not matter. I know my Dad loves us. He is a good Dad.

Dad with the great George Chuvalo

One of the things I appreciate is the good wishes for Dad from people. You can never have enough good feelings and love from people. I hope my Dad's relatives and friends continue to hold vigil for him. Even if he cannot acknowledge them, it is good to send good wishes. Maybe the pain will lessen on him with the amount of people seeing him and feeling for him.

"Watch my daddy in bed a-dyin'
Watched his hair been turnin' grey
He's been workin' and slavin' his life away, oh yes I know it"

Why should you respect the role of Chief and Council?

Why should you respect the role of Chief and Council of the Reserve? I really believe we should. As my friend and Teacher says, "if you support them they will be strong but if you keep cutting them up, they will be weak".

I think (generally) there is a total lack of respect for the ROLE of our Leaders. Both from the people and the leaders themselves.

In the Reserve, politics is a little different than in main stream. In mean stream you won't go over to the Mayor's house or to the Premiers' house and ask for some one to come clean your driveway, would you? Or would you stop the MLA (Member of Legislative Assembly) on the side of the highway and ask to borrow fifty bucks?  Would you ring them up at their home, late at night and say you have no gas money, can you come over and get some?

It is a damn shame that we do that to our leaders. We don't have any respect for the role. We think of them as less than leaders. We treat them with such contempt that we only want them to satisfy our individual short term needs and wants. That is an utterly disgusting way to behave. You know what? That is happening in many many Reserves. We have lost the meaning of what leadership means. And you know what else? Our own leaders have become so used to the way the role has changed that they themselves perpetuate that role of welfare provider. They no longer look at what the role of leadership should be. Instead they become managers. Managers of poverty. They continue to sustain colonialism and the control and distribution of meager resources to the Reserve peoples.

People need to stop and respect the roles of the Chief and Council. Regardless if we like the person or not. This person is our Leader and is to work for us. If we support him/her, and we challenge them to take their role with pride and humility, just maybe they will be the Leaders we need and want.

If we continue to put them as managers of poverty and fall into that way of living, we are doomed to stay in that situation. The situation where everyone is just clawing for morsels at the expense of the larger community. I say challenge your Leader to behave as a Leader. Let the administrators handle the day to day management and get our Leaders to challenge the mainstream.

It likely won't happen. Many of our communities are turning away from community thinking and becoming an island of individuals. Individuals with individual wants, and fuck the rest of the community and fuck the rest of the Native population. We are becoming our own colonizers. 



"As it was at first, and should be yet; for it was never divided, but belongs to all for the use of each." 

~Tecumseh  

"Post-colonialism also deals with conflicts of identity and cultural belonging. Colonial powers came to foreign states and destroyed main parts of native tradition and culture; furthermore, they continuously replaced them with their own ones. This often lead to conflicts when countries became independent and suddenly faced the challenge of developing a new nationwide identity and self-confidence.
As generations had lived under the power of colonial rulers, they had more or less adopted their Western tradition and culture. The challenge for these countries was to find an individual way of proceeding to call their own. They could not get rid of the Western way of life from one day to the other; they could not manage to create a completely new one either."

http://suite101.com/a/the-motives-and-ways-of-colonizing-the-new-world-a278287
Motive and Ways of Colonizing.

Speaking ill of the Dead

Been thinking about Death and how it is inevitable for everyone. How do we remember those that have died? Do we prop them out with stories of their greatness? Or do we remember them for what they were, a human being just living as best they could? 

Is it ever okay to speak ill of the dead? I mean not just the passive speaking ill of someone, (like he tried his best but come up short) but the mean and nasty stuff? Like saying that guy was a mean old dog, evil to the bone, may he rot in Hell? 

Sometimes I think it has nothing to do with the living and how they think of someone that is now dead, but what legacy that person has left. I mean if you are an arse all your life, what makes it not the way it is now? If someone is butt eating crazy, why paint them as respectable or sane?

There is the old adage, if you have nothing good to say about someone, best not to say anything. I guess that can work. But sometimes we all go butt eating crazy and let out some stuff don't we?

It was a number of years ago as I sat in the restaurant at our Reserve. There were quite a few people when an open conversation started. A friend of mine said to one of his cousins who was sitting across the room, "Hey, did you hear about Clem having a heart attack?". The cousin said "who gives a fuck, the guy is a piece of shit anyway."  That is the thing, one person can be a hero to some and a shit to others.

I know this one guy, who is now dead, and I think he was a monster. No, I know he was a monster. The thing is this monster was a Dad, a brother, a husband, a God father, and a host of other things to many people. To me he was and will always be thought of as a monster.On his marker it says he was a man of respect. I was so offended by that marker. None of my business I know. But it did offend me. I know him to be an evil person. A person with no consideration for others. A person who would threaten you. A person who used Spirituality to cloak his evil mindset. Harsh way to think of someone who has passed on, I know. But it is the legacy some of us have. If you live like a monster, people will remember you that way. If you are a piece of shit, that is how people will think of you. For example, 17 years ago I was leaving the funeral of my Uncle and our car was parked on the highway. So my wife and I were carrying our infant daughter who was a month old and had to walk on the side of the highway to our car. The man who is now dead was driving towards us in his white truck, he did a very quick turn towards us and then as quickly swerved away. It was disgusting moment. This man for what every reason believed I did him wrong. I know in my heart that is not true. He was looking for someone to blame for his actions. He worked in the same place I did. He was a sick man. He stalked one of the workers there, so she had to take leave of work. Numerous times he threatened to shoot me. Almost running me over as I was on the highway speaking with our then Chief. One time as I leaving my Mom's house, he made a shooting gesture at me again, I chased him to his home. I tried to talk to him about his behaviour on a number of occasions. He pulled out a weapon from under his seat. So I gave up trying to talk to him. He may be remembered as a good man to some and that is good for them. For me I have a different view. It is only my view but his legacy to me. I was not happy when he passed or sad. He was a rather unpleasant chapter in my life and it ended with his passing. No grief felt from me, but did feel bad for his family. Everyone wants their loved to be around for them. How do you feel when there is some madman (who once killed someone) actively trying to kill you?

So do I do him a disservice or a disservice to his family by speaking ill of him? Yeah, I am sure I do, but its my version of the truth. He may have been a good husband or dad, I don't know. But I do know he was a monster to me. And the more as I live I realize how much of an impact he had on me. His hatred to me and his acts caused me great pain.

 Pain, I didn't know how much until he went to "meet his maker".



"how many ways can you polish up a turd?"

Cancer has my Dad in its grip.

August 21, 2013 it was confirmed that my Dad has Cancer. He has it in his lungs, liver and a 15 centimeter growth in his bowel area, colon I believe.

Anyway, my Dad is 82 years old, born in 1930. Cancer is really an ugly animal. It has taken  people in the family: My Mom, my Aunt's Lucy, Gwezeence (Carolyn), Uncle Herman-to, My Brother in laws, Chris Courchene, Brian Spence and Gord Spence.

So now is the ugly part.

Watching Dad get weaker and weaker while the pain increases. Dad hasn't been told he has cancer. Dad is suffering from Alzheimer's. He is pretty good though. He has laps in his short term memory but other than that he was good. It is stranger that now that we have the diagnosis of cancer it seems to be hitting him fast. The Doctors estimated about six months was his time and that it will be likely that his colon will be blocked. They can operate to unblock and he can have a bag to his stomach, but the Doctor said if it was his relative, he wouldn't go for the operation.

Its really weird watching the cancer work its ugly unrelenting greed. It makes think of my Mom and her battle and how she left. Dad knows there is something wrong. He hurts and his back aches, sometimes to the point of his jaw shaking. Last week his blood pressure dropped to below 70 and he passed out. Unresponsive for some time, the ambulance had to come take him to the hospital. He is not eating and mostly has sips of tea. I love tea as well, drink it all day long. The hospital brought his fluids up and gave him new pain medication. He was okay and I was able to take him back to the George M. Guimond Care Home. I told my Dad that he was sick. My Dad said "but I'm going to be alright"?  I lied to him and said "yes that Dad you are going to be alright". So I could not tell him about cancer.

We are fortunate to have him this long. I encourage family and friends to visit well they can. I know Bert Fontaine was there yesterday and Dad remembered him. That's Dad's first Cousins those guys.
Perry is another one that is always going to see Dad. I think it is a shock for him to see Dad losing some much weight and so fast. It was not even three weeks ago that Perry had taken Dad to the Casino to pass the time.

Dad comes from a huge family, lots of cousins, kids, in-laws, nieces, nephews, grandchildren and friends. So it is good they get a chance to visit.

Okay folks, Will come by again.

Steve

Dad & Family

September - 17, Feeling overwhelmed today.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QHoAg-LlVVM


October 21, 2103

Well Cancer has taken my Dad and killed him.

We watched him shrink away.  I can tell you it is hard to watch your Dad die by the grip of cancer.

We had a nice service for Dad. His wishes (most of them) were followed. He was not one for big flash or have great things said about him. We did talk about him and how he was and not share his resume.
Its going to be weird not having Dad around.

Dad's Grandchildren

Uncle Bob at the Sacred Fire

Dad Bundled

Traveling song for Dad

Uncle Georgie Boy, Mary, Auntie Terraince, Uncle Bob.

Date of Passing: October 21, 2013

ANDREW COURCHENE

ANDREW (HENRY) HOWARD COURCHENE (HENREESE) Waabanong Inini On October 21, 2013, with his family at his side, Henry passed away at the age of 82 years, after a battle with cancer. Henry lived all of his life in the community of Sagkeeng First Nation, MB, which he loved very much. He was a resident of the George M. Guimond Care Home in Sagkeeng. Henry was predeceased by his wife and moral compass Mildred; by his parents Mishom (Miskus) Ambroise, Kookum Sophie; his children Luke, Jean, Russell (Pancho) and his grandchildren Evan and Donovan; his siblings: five infant brothers (Sam, Luke, Philip), Felix, Alex, Mary (Waabas), Dora (Peechanish), Caroline (Gwayzaince), Herman (Herman2), John (John-neese), and Allan; and by his in-laws George Guimond, Willie Twoheart, JB Guimond, Sarah Courchene, Edgar Swampy, Molly and Joe Guimond, Lucy and Frank Daniels, Alex (Oskie) Laforte, Eva Courchene, Gerry Anaquod, Louis (Red) and Ida Fontaine, and Henry (Mannish) Fontaine. Henry leaves to mourn his children Leonard (Isabel), Carol Bouboire, Donald, Howard (Val), Steve (Susan), Jean (Maurice Normand), Sally, Brenda (Alvin "Smiley" Morrisseau), daughter-in-law Jeanie, Lorraine Kipling and Delores Kent; his siblings Theresa (Terraince) Swampy, George (Georgie-boy), and Robert (Uncle Bob), his in-laws Harold and Brenda Fontaine, Mary Courchene, Francis Anaquod, Margaret Courchene, Evelyn Laforte, Catherine Courchene, and Madeline Courchene; as well as his grandchildren, great-grandchildren and his great-great-grandson - Andrew (AJ) Courchene; numerous cousins, nephews, nieces and friends. Kitchi-Miigwich to all of the people of the George M. Guimond Care Home and to Sagkeeng. Your kindness, caring and warmth is overwhelming. To all his nephews, nieces and friends that were kind to Henry, Miigwich. Gin sa ga Bepkins, Boyshum, Bugzy, Randy, Perry, Chipper, and Linda. A Traditional Wake will take place at St. Alexander Church, Sagkeeng First Nation, MB, Wednesday, October 23, with the funeral service to follow on Thursday, October 24, at 2:00 p.m. Feast will be held at the Band Hall. Pallbearers will be Ian Courchene, Michael Buboire, Connie Spence, Daniel Courchene, Michael Courchene, Jessica Courchene, Laurie Morrisseau, Dylan Courchene-Gaucher, Zach Courchene, and Luke Courchene. In lieu of flowers, donations can be made in Henry's name to the George M. Guimond Personal Care Centre, P.O. Box 308, Pine Falls, MB R0E 1M0. Condolences may be sent to the family in care of Spirit Road Funeral Services Inc., P.O. Box 200, Fort Alexander, MB R0E 0P0, (204) 340-6490 or friends may leave a message of sympathy at spiritroadfs@shaw.ca.

As published in the Winnipeg Free Press on October 23, 2013

Science not a permit for unethical behaviour

Thank you Folks, going to stop for awhile now.

Hey Good people.

Well its been a few years blogging over here.
Going to stop for awhile. Not sure for how long.
Maybe be back sooner than I expect. If I do that, I will say hi again.

Had some stuff I wanted to write about, but that's okay. It can keep.

You take care and keep reading. There is a lot of stuff out there on Natives that I find interesting.
My little world is going to continue.

So it has been nice. 

See you again. 

G'waabaamin minawa. 

Nin sa

Steve