Tuesday, August 23, 2011

6 years of missing my Son.

August 25th will be six years since my son, Donovan killed himself in his Mom's place. The police said he was there for a least two days. I remember that day when the police went in. I think about and wonder what he was thinking. That is the reality of suicide. You are left with so many questions, what if's, how could I have done to change it, and why? Why did he do that? It is difficult enough and impossible to make peace with that. I will always know there could have been better options. I would change places him in a second. For him to be here and for me to be gone. That is the thing that can never be, wanting it to be a mistake, a dream and finally to wake up from it.

There has been a little talk in the news media about suicide since NHL player Rick Rypien took his own life. The stories skirt around the issue of suicide, but focus rather on depression. Depression is a serious issue and has the stigma that comes along with mental health issues. People don't want to say crazy in the head, but they are thinking it.

Anyway, I am not sure if suicide will ever be without the negative stigma. There is all the negative connotations associated with suicide: cowards way out, selfish, a Sin, against the law and so on. For me, I am not sure of what to think. I know my Son is not in Hell. Even if there was a chance that he may have been going there, David went traveled there and got him and his cousin out of there. He told me so.

So we have come another year and time has not kicked in and eased it. I am still waiting for time to heal all wounds. Still it is not as severe as it once was. I can laugh, I can enjoy time with the Grandkids. Still my time alone is when my mind takes me back to that place with my Son. A lot of the those thoughts go back to the mistakes that I made. Those are the thoughts that haunt me. It is a hell of place to be alone in time. Those are the things that keep me buried in a mound of dirt, covered in earth, seeing only the darkness of things.

I wonder what thoughts haunted that young NHL player?


  1. I cannot imagine what you must feel. Praying for you.

  2. Hey there big dog, long time no comment! My wife's oldest nephew took his life hell I was gonna say a few weeks ago, it has been almost 3 months now. Where the heck does the time go? Anyways, nobody had any idea, not a single person of the over 200 that showed up for his funeral had any inkling whatsoever that anything was bothering him. We hadn't spoken to him for a few months, but that had become normal, what normal young man in his 20's wants to talk to his favorite Aunt all the time? Parties and places to go. :) We know the how, the what, the who and the where, but the most important "why" is something that is just gone. I have heard of a lot of people, and what they would say if they could talk to him again. I wouldn't say a word, I would listen to what he has to say. And try to find "why".

  3. Thank you, listening is a key for damn sure. I would give anything to be able to hear him and hug him, tell him I miss him and love him. It is the why that haunts us.

  4. P.S. really sorry about your nephew. That is so sad.

  5. Kia ora Steve,
    Wishing a peaceful and gentle mountain breeze upon your heart. Kia kaha.

  6. I cannot imagine the pain you feel Steve and can't tell you if your pain will ever leave you and your love ones. I have been told by friends who have lost children to suicide that they should have known, should have been more observant, should have spent more time with their child, so many should have's but how as parents can we know what our children are thinking or feeling unless they talk to us or we do everything in our power to make it our business to know what they are thinking. This is probably the hardest thing as parents we struggle with. I know that with my own children I asked many questions about how they were feeling and the response was always the same "I am fine" or "I am okay"...

    You are a strong man and I respect your openness in sharing your "pain" with us...it takes courage and strength to speak about suicide...Meegwetch...

  7. Thanks Marcella. I appreciate your good thoughts. And for reading the blog. I appreciate the members who follow the site. I know lot of us in Sagkeeng know personally, the pain of loss, no matter how long, and in what capacity, it is a difficult thing.


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