Fuck me anyways

 There are lot of reasons to be swearing at yourself. One of them is for being an arse. The16th of March is 21 years that my Mom died from Cancer. Yeah, Cancer that ugly beast. Had she had been diagnosed who knows if she would have had a chance. She was having stomach problems for quite some time and the local Doctor told her to drink coffee or not drink coffee and to walk. It had become unbearable for her in the winter, my sister took her to emergency in the city, Winnipeg. She spent the night and the next day the news of cancer was given. One month later she is dead. 

I saw on social media where this guy shows a lifeline using a long piece of paper. He holds up this thin piece of paper and says this paper represents 100 years of life: "the average life span for women is 81 and the average age for men is 75 years of age. So take of 25 years from the 100 and cut it out. Now you are 65 years of age, so take that 65 years from the first part of the paper. Threw it away, it is gone, you can never get that back. What do you have left? You have this small piece of paper which represents your life left." That video sure hit it  on the bullseye. Just like I always say, "my life flashed right between my eyes," or something to that affect. I think about those god-damn 65 years now gone. Gone! No matter how much I want to have them back they are gone baby, gone. 

Fuck me anyways. All those mistakes, those ill said words, those dastardly deeds and no way to fix them. If, and there is always if, we just have the time back. Oh, how we would do things differently. It's like finding a frog hopping in the middle of a street in January in Manitoba of all places. If's are not going to happen, just like a garter snake slithering around the top of the frozen Red River when it's minus 30 degrees Celsius. Those years are gone man, gone. The only thing left of those years are our memories. That's where I say to myself, Fuck me. I think of those times when I could have been kinder. When I should have been more generous with time for my Mom, for my Dad, for my brother Pancho, and for my Son, Don. 

I drive to the Reserve everyday Monday to Friday from the city and that's when the haunting takes over from the night before. I will be driving along listening to tunes and it will hit me, Fuck me anyways. 

Imagine that, the chances are I don't have ten years left. Am I going to spend the next ten years continuing to say Fuck me anyways? It's those fucking if's, we actually think we can have those if's. Nope, we only have those mistakes, those regrets, those fucking selfish moments. That is what keeps us saying Fuck me anyways. 

As my grand-daughter use to say when she was three, Popsicle will make it better.