Friday, November 9, 2018

I'm not Good, I'm not bad, I am Me.

I have always said "Be Kind" but have come to know kindness is very hard to achieve. I like to think I am aiming to be kind. It hasn't found me yet. Sure there are moments, many moments actually of doing kind things or just being nice to people. However there are times when I am mean and in one case violent to people. This is the struggle for me. I am considerate and think of others and their well-being but there is a side of me which can be cruel, mean. Does it mean I am a person who is bad? Can I ever say I am a good person?

A friend of mine gave me this book to read: Sacred Contact by Caroline Myss. The jacket of the book says it is a "powerful program for discovering one's purpose in life". Started reading it and thinking this is going to be a chore. Actually finding gems for the mind and heart in this book so far. I understand in many discussions surrounding Spirituality and Enlightenment there is the notion of bringing in various Religious ideologies into the mix. I have to make sure to keep an open mind and not close off  what is being said when Christianity enters the discussion. It is a task to be aware of our bias. In any case this book about becoming aware of the Divine and your own path. It has me thinking about me and my journey so far in life.

There is a past we all have, the hidden secrets, the mistakes, the embarrassment, the kind deeds, the generosity and everything else. If truth be known I should have been locked up for my actions. On the other hand I know I have done very nice things, very generous and thoughtful actions. Its a difficult thing to really look at who we are and what we do. I listened to CBC Radio - Out in the Open show. It was about how people responded to a Crisis (Crisis Reactors). The show examines how people reacted to situations and what they thought they would have done. Some stepped up in Crisis while others froze. "We all want to believe we would be the hero".

I joke and tease quite a bit, some of the teasing is quite mean, and I can do mean things as well, I have been told. I also am very generous and thoughtful, I have been told. Without going to examples of my bad actions and my good actions, lets just say its true, I am very good and also bad. 

So how do I reconcile with the two me's? The ugly mean bad person and the very good nice guy?

I think we are not on a linear plane. I mean things are not like a time line. We don't just go from one thing to another, one day to another day.  I understand as we age we become more experienced and therefore should be more wiser and not make the same mistakes again. Or we know what is good and should continue with those actions we know have good outcomes. It doesn't really work that way. We are a number of things; from the nice person to the ugly and all that in between. Its funny in some ways we are very critical of ourselves; coward, selfish, lazy, rude, mean. We also overvalue our character; super kind, generous, humble, intelligent, attractive, intuitive.

So how would I categorize myself? A good guy? A bad guy? A regular fella?

I like to tease and say I am a "god" (Not thee God of course). 

I think we can get wrapped up in labels. We can be very hard on ourselves for our many mistakes. We down play the good things we have done for others. I want really hard to be able to say, "yeah the Steve is a pretty damn good guy" as opposed to saying "what an arsehole Steve is".

So I will just play it by ear from here on. I am on journey and my journey is about doing things, and the spectrum of those things have yet to be determined. If I have some influence on those things, well maybe most of them will be nice. Funny our vision of who we are and the view of who we are by others are quite different.

At the end of the day if we are keeping score, I think I'm in the pretty damn good column.

As one homicidal manic once said "Its not the people who vote that count, it's the people who count the votes".  So its me counting the score and that is what counts.

So regardless of who scores you (judges you), its your score which counts.

Friday, October 26, 2018

Good Morning My Neighbours.

Good Morning my neighbors.  From Sagkeeng First Nation, Manitoba Canada.

Friday, October 12, 2018

United States the Rogue Nation. Nation of Hate

"The greatest country in the world".

I wish I could explain things as well as these televisions writers did.

The US is a hell for the globe. Right now, States are actively blocking people from voting. Who are they blocking? People of Color, Black people, poor people.

The US is not for freedom, its for the Rich, the White and the polluters. They will kill to show how they are the best country in the world. They are taking children and babies from their parents. The people of the US are actively supporting a leader who is a sociopath.

A lot of comparisons are being made between the US and the German Nazi regime.  The public disregards the notion of the US acting like Nazi Germany. The public and media may say it is hyperbole to say the US is becoming Nazi Germany,  there are historians who say otherwise. People like Christopher Browing say you should be worried.

If you believe the US is the greatest country in the world, I wonder what it says about you.

They are in bed with the Saudi's and don't care. They have no issue with doing business with dictators and countries who don't treat the citizens in a good way. Yet they will tear apart countries who they dislike; see Cuba.

The US has started wars, put dictators in power, robbed countries of their resources, spied on their own people, corrupted their election process, and sold their souls to the devil.

Friday, September 28, 2018

Conundrum Of Being Ex-Gang Member

Everyone gets old. Getting old for some is requirement for changing their lifestyle. Gangsters are no different. So what kind of change can an aging gangster do? Or do they think they can still sell girls, sell drugs, collect money with violence?

The thing about being in the gang, particularly the Indigenous gang, it means belonging to something bigger than themselves, even if it is something disgusting, loathsome and parasitical. Still the gang has a draw for the stupid lazy Indian. Some members are not really given the choice but to join the gang, an ugly reality for the Indigenous youth.

Being in a gang affords the individual a base of power. They won't get respect but will gain audience and have a raised voice because of the fear they bring to the community. Chiefs and Councils fear the gang member. The fear gives the gang member some power over others. Who wants to be beaten up by a bunch of goons, thugs? This is the voice the gang member has. So what happens to their voice when they decide to leave the gang?

The ex-gang member expects to have the same power and the same voice as when they were in the pack of rabid dogs. They expect people will fear them or even respect them. No one respects the gang member. The gang member is a bottom feeder and a user of people. No one respects them. People fear the gang member because there is the threat of harm. With the loss of the gang, the threat disappears. The voice they have gained due to numbers and fear is now mute. The perks of dirty fast money is gone as well. Yet the ex-gang member still thinks they have the power they afforded by being in a  gang.

So the gang member has a problem. They want to shed the skin of rot from being in a gang and join the community. They want to be respected. They want to have a voice. They still want to have the power to influence. The thing is the only reason they had those things, was because they were part of a stink and toxicity of a gang.

How should the community react to the gang member or I should say the ex-gang member? Should all be forgiven? Should they be embraced?

I think its good to have the individual recognize the ugliness of the gang life. The harm it causes to the family, to the community, to society.

However, there is the process of redemption and the act of reconciliation. Reconciliation with what you, the gang member have done to your community, your people. Shouldn't a gang member have to earn their way back into the community?

Thursday, September 27, 2018

"I have my Integrity"

How would you handle the test to your integrity?

Me I don't really know. I like to think I would do the "right thing" (what ever that is). There is this meme on social media where a young guy found money and turned it into the police. The text reads "Boy turns in bag with $12,000 cash  inside.  I pray my kids aren't this fuckin' stupid". 
It is funny but you know it is a commentary of what would I want my child to do? Everyone can use the cash for sure. We can rationalize keeping it for sure. A bag of money? It must be from "ill-gotten gain", right?  It might be okay to keep it. Still you want your kids to be honest and good people.

I have been on the receiving end of good honest people. So I know they are out there.

I tell you what, integrity is a shifting earthquake.

We see integrity or lack of it everyday on television. The public life of the politician and the public personalities, like celebrities. The politician is the master of a contortionist. They can twist and turn better than any garter snake.     

2 Headed Contortionist 
So what does this say about integrity?

At what point do we draw the line? What amount of money will we turn in when found?  We will turn in a wallet with someone's rent money but just how much rent money?

With politician's you can actually see how much money? Canada boasts that it is the "good one", the voice of reason, the country of moral superiority. Still it continues to undermine the lives of the Indigenous people. They continue to sell the notion of "burden of the tax payer" to the public.  They are also the government of Equality for Women. They are also fighting for the future of the Earth with Carbon pricing. Like the two headed snake they are adding to the toxic emissions with the increased production of the dirtiest oil on the planet; the Tar Sands. They twisted and put forth policy in place making a Pipeline  a National Interest. When this failed, they bought the Pipeline to make sure it snakes its way through forest, mountains, waterways towards the Ocean.

The twisting is easy when integrity is absent.

Women are constantly being attacked for speaking up. The lack of integrity on display by men and women.

There was this Women who once said "when they  go low, we go high". Obviously she is talking about acting with integrity. She is naive because being reasonable and having integrity has been a losing way. In boxing you are told "no hitting behind the head, and no low blows".  It is because the low blow is devastating.

Living with no integrity has been leading the world. Remember the whole Occupy Movement, the Me Too movement? They are all movements working towards others having integrity. Hard to teach people integrity when they don't know what it is.

Tuesday, September 11, 2018

Sure Its All About Race. Isn't Everything About Race?

"Why is everything always about race?"
The question

Will come back to post here. For now just enjoy the tune.


Thursday, August 30, 2018

Guess We Should Chose Life

Suicide must cross everyone's mind. What takes it from a random thought to contemplation and finally to execution?

Been struggling with suicide for years now. First attempt, real attempt was when I was 17 years old. Pulled the trigger of the gun, pointed at my chest. No fire. The bullet didn't go off. Can you imagine the odds?

This month has been a real struggle. The constant thought in my head about ending my life. It gets really deep in my mind and the struggle is real. With a decision always coming close. It is quite weird in a way.


I know its not a good thing to do. Ending your life when there are so many good in your life is just wrong. I think it would be a blessing if I were suffering in other ways besides depression. The joy of those in my life would be apparent. As it is, the joy is always being undermined by my own feelings and thoughts. Weird and selfish I know.

So I will continue to chose life. I have a great partner, my wife Suz. I have great kids and grandkids. I have a great family and friends. So what's not to live for, right?