Saturday, October 29, 2016

"You must Hate your Life"

I made the mistake of teasing a young man on social media a little while ago. I thought it was a relatively benign statement. I was of course wrong. The young Indigenous man was offended. It began like this; He posted a happy picture of three people in a car. I commented on the post about having a good trip but be careful of the police as there was a gangster driving the car. It was a young man with sun glasses on sitting with a young happy woman and another person in the back seat. So his comment was "you must hate your life and you're suppose to be Traditional?" I was what the heck? So of course I responded with holy heck man its teasing.  This of course just made the situation worse. His woman companion took to his defense. I was guilty of lateral violence, putting down Indigenous people on a wider scale and scolded to go smudge and pray. The conversation continued with a young woman scolding me. I did apology for my actions as vicious as they were. I was told it was good I learned my lesson.  Of course there were other statements to me about bringing down people.The interaction should not have bothered me. I mean I have been called worse things but the whole thing stung. It stung so much I couldn't sleep for a couple of days and I went over the discussion in my head. Its not that I wasn't sorry as I was. It was a number of things, the reaction to something which was not of malicious nature and the narrative of villain versus victim and a noble victim at that. It was also the lack of awareness and the posturing. A person posturing high morality yet ignoring the reaction of the first victim and their statement of hating my life and of being traditional.

You see the statement of  you're suppose to be Traditional is a negative statement attacking your integrity, your character and your belief system. Living a Traditional life is similar to the notion of living a devote Christian life, a devote Muslim or a devote Spiritual life. So you are held to account for your actions. Which is a Cross that everyone must bear; account for your behaviour and choices. So when someone says you are suppose to be Traditional, they are in fact calling you down as a hypocrite because of your actions. This young man was upset over saying he looked like a gangster. From the conversation I assume he was at one time a gangster but now is a role model and making some good decisions in his life. That is great. I didn't know he was a gangster so that I imagine it was the reason for being upset and sensitive to the label of gangster.

Still I think he and his woman companion over reacted. To me it also says something about their character as well. Me I'm a jerk and there is no doubt. A "paachak" in our language. Like the character Homer Simpson. I know who I am and no there is no malice in my way of thinking or acting. Not unlike the two who defended theirselves to me. I know they feel the righteous indignation of their statements. No humility but plenty of pious condemnation. It reminded me of the line in the great Tom Waits song "come down of the cross we can use the wood".  Being so superior to others.

Precious cargo in my Life. 
I was thinking about the put down from the young man, "you must hate your life". At one time I really did. It was when my son hanged himself in the closet and ended his life. He hanged for two days in his Mom's closet. When we went to see him, the stench in the apartment was strong and will never leave my memory. The smell of death just stuck to the walls and the furniture. Never to leave my memory will be the words of the medical examiner when she said "prepare yourself... his tongue is black..."  You know my son was addicted to drugs and he could not beat the addiction. You know who benefited from my son's tragedy? It was gangsters and other low-life's who benefit off the misery of those with addictions. It is the same gangsters who people want to paint the picture of victim-hood and tortured souls. So when we say "he is making a life for himself". Good for him. Good for those who can walk away from the damage others now carry. Good for them who are now on the Cross and looking down on the dreads of society; guys like me who make the mistake of teasing someone of good moral character. So I did in fact hate myself and most likely my life. Today I may not like myself still but I do like and love what is in my life: My Family, both immediate and extended. My friends the few I do have.

I see the drug seller as they are: magpies-living off the corpses. Like rats burying thru the rectum to get to their prize. It is who they are. What else benefits of a dying body like that? So if  the label of the past offends you... I feel sorry for you. We all have to carry a cross.