August 25 is coming up. This year will 19 years since my Boy hung himself in his mother's closet. I live with the memory, the aftermath and the situations leading to his killing himself. I think about the day he was found and remember his life as a small child. My son was 20 when he took his life. He had been struggling with a drug addiction. It was CRACK. It was difficult for him and for us as well. I was working in Vancouver, British Columbia. I had gotten him to come stay with me, hoping he would get work and climb out of the addiction. Addiction is a vicious creature, with an appetite that can't be satisfied. So I think about how his future might have turned out had he not made the choice that he did.
A friend of mine has Parkinson's disease. He used to make documentaries when he lived in Japan. He and his wife moved to Canada as she went to work as a professor at the University. Tadashi is/was a very good person. The disease hit him very quickly. I haven't seen him for a number of years now. I spoke to him on the phone this winter. He lives in a Care facility and is very limited at what he can do. I speak to his wife every once in a while. The odds of a partner having Parkinson's is astronomical. Turns out she has Parkinson's. Unreal. She still lives in an apartment with their grown child. I spoke to her a few weeks ago, but had to cut the visit quick as I was driving in the car with grandkids. She was hoping that she could call along with her husband. He has lucid moments for a short period in the mornings. I remember when he used to exercise and try to get ahead of the disease. I think of the famous actor, Michael J. Fox and how long he has been fighting Parkinson's. I wonder what the difference is between my friend and the actor, and how the actor seems to fairing better than my friend?
My Sister-in-Law posted a note the other day, Her brother died. No details, just a note saying she will cherish his memory. My wife told me, he might have sought MAID, Medical Assisted In Dying. I don't know the details of what he suffered from. There was to be no service. I believe in MAID. I also believe in Suicide Prevention. A contradiction, I know. On the one finger I am supporting killing yourself, but in the other finger, I don't want anyone to kill themselves. It doesn't add up to two fingers does it?
An uncle of mine had ALS, Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis. From what is written about ALS, it is no doubt a horrible disease with no cure. Your body becomes a coffin with your mind knowing what's going on. I cannot imagine the madness which comes with the disease. I took my Dad to go visit Uncle and it was too much for my Dad, he didn't every want to go back. He spoke to Uncle in Ojibwe and we left. I don't know how long Uncle lasted in a state of not being able to move, to speak, to communicate in any way. Can't imagine how it was for him, my Aunt and his kids.
I was in a situation where I had control over the last moments of my Dad's life. He was suffering from dementia and cancer. I signed the papers for no medical treatment on my Dad. It was a hard decision but the alternative was to let him continue to live not knowing what was going on and living in pain. So when I think about my Boy, I wonder about his suffering. Could he or would he have been able to win over the addiction? Or would it have gotten worse with the surge of Meth in society? My Boy was suffering and so were people who loved him. His addiction made him do things he could not live with.
I am wondering if it is selfish of me to think maybe, just maybe it was the right choice for him? The other selfish part of me wants him to be here. If he was here at least he would be breathing, perhaps enjoying a good life. I don't know. Or maybe he would be sharing needles, living and walking the streets, being avoided by all those who love him? Maybe he would get seriously sick from the life of an addict. I don't know. So maybe it was a blessing he doesn't suffer today? Or maybe it is still the most devastating thing to happen in our life?
So that's the thing isn't it, can we see a Blessing where we feel misery?
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