Saturday, December 27, 2014

Goodbye 2014

Well it has been another year come and gone, in the year of our Lord 2014. I always wanted to say that. Not sure of its meaning or where it came from, but it sounds cool, don't you think?

A friend of mine just lost his brother to cancer. I didn't know him well but in passing and he always had a great smile on his face. Life is weird like that.

My grand-daughter will be 2 years old in April and that is cool. She is now my side kick and my great dreams. My daugther is thinking of post secondary education, so that is a good thing. I think education is the best thing for anyone.

We start the new year hoping for all sorts of things. Some of you make resolutions to do this or do that. Lose weight, exerise, be better to our family and all manner of goodness.

I think why not? It can be a start, right?  I mean who knows? This could be the year that you quit smoking. The year you start caring about the Earth. The year that you start caring about Murdered and Missing Women. The year to start being a kind person. Or the year to start living.

Yesterday I spent the night at my wife's Mom's house. It is beautiful there. Quiet. In the country where you can actually see the stars. I didn't hear the coyotes this night. I stood out in the quiet of the night out at their road gate. I looked at the treeline out across the field.  The wind blowing a little bit. My mind lost in thoughts of the night. Missing my Mom, my Dad, my brother Poncho and of course my Boy.

I thought of my misdeeds. My goodness but mostly my mistakes. I was thinking about how good my boy was. Not just in my mind but the good he actually was. Not in the last while when the devil had him. It was when he was a young boy. All the goodness and potential in him. Like all of our kids.

He was sensitive and happy. I know it was me that took that away from him. I know that.

So it is heavy burden to carry all the pain of grief.  I know there are more people out there with fresh grief. And I know how that grief feels like it is the heaviest in the world. That the individual pain is just too much to bear.

Crazy after 9 years I still carry that pain. Maybe I don't cry as much as I did those first few years. But he is on my mind all the time. A little reminder here and there. A young couple I see, a song I hear, a road sign, a passing remark, all bring me to the time when he was here and when he left.

I will be marking his birthday this January 17, 2015. He would have been 30, what a milestone. 30 years old my Boy. Wonder what he would become. Would he have gone back to school? Would I have changed to become a better Dad? Would I still be the selfish asshole?   Would I know that I should be grateful for every minute I have with him?

I still have the anger. But mostly it is self hate or self loathing that I think I have. Sometimes its pity. Lots of pity. but lots of anger to who I am or was. Wonder did I really change? Can I really try and appreciate life? Life that has been lent to me with the kids I have and the grandkids I have? Do I know to cherish them?

Lot of useless thoughts in my head I know. Lot of regrets. Lot of mistakes. Lot of heartache. Can the new year be better in how to deal with those thoughts? Can we really start with one foot in front of the other.

So have you decided to start the new year with good thoughts? Maybe change abit? Maybe stop being mean to your spouse or your kids? Maybe be a little more patient with the server at a coffee shop or the driver ahead of you in the lane?

Maybe you don't believe in change? Maybe its a waste of time and you are just content with who you are and what you do?

I wonder about that. What is it anyway that makes us better than animals? We just keep going year after year the same way. What's the point? I mean if we are not trying to be the best we can be what is the point? Is it too much effort to try and live a good life? What ever the heck that means?

I am confused.  Well here's to 2015 and what lies ahead.

If I had a choice or is wishes were real -- not sure about global wishes, but my individual needs would be to have some kind of assurance that my son is good. Good and living in some other time or some other world. And he would make sure I knew. Now that is a faith that some people really truly have. I need to find that. Maybe i will find some kind of peace, who knows?  I need to know that my kids will be okay in this world. That there will be a decent world for them to live in. That lives matter. That living matters. That we are more than a speck. That we are part of something better than existing and just breathing air.

as for the world... Maybe Obama would do something real crazy and try and kill Keystone. Or maybe he would do something real wild and make the republicans really hate him by leaving the eastern countries to deal with their own.  Or maybe he would stop big oil from killing the planet by increasing environmental rules/laws. Maybe Canada's Stephen Harper would decide he did enough damage to Canada, find god and retire. Maybe Harper would find out his wife hates his politics and can't support a despot any longer. Maybe after Harper realizes that he is replusive to his wife, he decides to quit politics? Who knows stranger things have happened?   Maybe the Indians will find out that Christianity is a false promise and decide to abandon it.  Maybe Aliens will come here and say "hey you dumb stupid (redundant) ignorant rednecks and fucks, don't you know the Earth is mad at you and is going to shake like a dog and shed its fleas?" Guess what humans are the fleas.

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