Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Time To Moves Ons. Maybe Go Word Press? Yeah, Let's Blow This Google Popsicle Stand.

Been Blogging for a few years now. It has been pretty interesting, kind-a-fun, kind-a-sad, kind-a-maddening and entertaining for me. But the last little while its been not as fun. I want to joke around but just haven't been able to do that. I seem to dwell on being rotten and well that's not fun. I'm also a bit "J" because I see some blogs that get 10000 hits in one day?  Wow, I don't get that in a month.

So I think this might be a good time to try something else. I still like gossiping, being nosey and spreading my three cents all over the place, whether its right or wrong, good and bad or just plain crummy.

It will be 10 years since I first dealt with the loss of my son Donovan. You may know he took his life by hanging in the closet of his mother's apartment. So that's coming soon, this August. I still have his suitcase that he was living out of. Not sure if I will do something with his stuff this year. Not sure if we should have Ceremony for him or do a family Feast like we do every year.

For me suicide has become something that is on mind all the time. I wonder how there can be a cure or a way to really have an impact on the  lives of our children?  Or on the lives of the ones that are here to live with the aftermath?

My cousin lost her boy to suicide three weeks ago. We went out to the Reserve Muscowpetung to support in her boy's service. It was Traditional (Indian) service.  I was sorry for my Cousin and my Auntie. No one should out live their children.

This last week I was at another service for one of my oldest friend's daughter. She died by suicide. I don't know how the family is coping. My friend is struggling but what can one do?

So I struggle about the whole living with the aftermath thing. So does a lot of people. My children, especially my oldest daughter is not dealing at all with the aftermath and its going to be ten fucking years.  Ten years but the pain still drives a nail into your heart. For me I think the constant talking about it, might lesson the sting but not sure. Triggers are always within a side glance, a song, an incident or a word away from suffering the pain all over again.  I live in fear. Fear my kids. There is no way I can ease their pain. Steer them to a place that can ease that hurt.  So for me I just blab it all out there. I don't bottle it up and drink it down, or pill it away. Or do I?  I have been on anti-depressants for 9 and half years now. So I guess that's one way to cope. But the fear is there and its constant. Will my child live? Will the hurt take them too?  What a way to live, to be in fear all the time.

Anyways, that's enough of the fear thing.  I was thinking about trying to spend more energy on suicide prevention and the aftermath of suicide. One of the things for sure is that lot of people are injured when one person takes their life. Lot of people are affected and hurt badly. So maybe I can share some experience on how to cope? Not sure.

I do read a bit on the care of suicide loss and the prevention. There are some good groups out there so maybe my effort is not really necessary or might be redundant?  I like that little semi-colon thing that is happening to stir talk and to remember. One Semi-colon movement is the tattoo semi-colon for suicide awareness. That's nice. And lately Inuit superstar Susan Aglukark has started an Artic-rose-warrior suicide awareness dialog.

For Sure One Day is something I would give my life for. One day to spend with my boy, to talk to him, to stop him from hanging himself. One day so my children, my wife wouldn't suffer the pain. One day to tell him I LOVE YOU.

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