Bury the Bitterness

Warning. This post is filled with profanity and ugliness. So please disregard if you want to stay in a good head space right now. Come back and read if you feel like reading me gripe.


I learned the hard way not to vent to others. Write it down. Throw it out. Tell God Keep it to yourself

Canada is celebrating 150.  Canada is funny. We can talk about the whole Canada and Canadians defending and denying their treatment of Indigenous people or we can talk about more personal issues.

I am bitter. Bitter about the racist turds in Canada and the US. They are so ugly. I am bitter about White people in general. They are so messed up. I am bitter about growing old. I am bitter about the government sucking arse to big money, the lobby groups and face companies. I am bitter than a man like Trump exists in the world. I am bitter that he is allowed to shit on people and live large. I am bitter that his kids are arseholes. I am bitter that his wife sold her vagina for a piece of gold. I am bitter that Trump gets to fuck people over and is rewarded for it over and over again. I am bitter because of how stupid people are. I am bitter because evil fuck lords seem to winning in the world.

I am bitter because my son is dead and evil selfish people live life with no regard for the world. Why can't there be any way to make them pay? I am bitter because the world is dying. Stupid greedy people are killing the Earth. We all take part in the killing for the all might dollar. I am bitter because I can't say "you stupid fucking white people are the devil". You stupid money chasing arseholes are killing the world.

How come the ugly people don't face consequences? How come its poor people who get the stick up the arse? How come cars keep changing little things on them? They can't use the same lights, mechanical parts and more stuff just ends up in the garbage piles? How come actors and sports players get paid more than a brain doctor or cancer doctor? How  come CEO's of companies only think in quarters? They don't think of lives of workers or the planet, just the earnings of a company after four months?

Why in the fuck do people listen to celebrities? How come leaders are not in the front lines of war? Shouldn't that be the way?

Why do people continue to shit on the Indian? How come even new comers think we get free stuff? Why are Canadians and Americans so fucking stupid when it comes to the Rights of Indians?

Why do I care how people treat us? Why do I always get suckered into believing people are generally good? I mean I want people to be good and live good life. Why can't I be better?

I am angry that good people like my Mom got cancer and died. She didn't deserve it. Yes some people deserve it. Those who are ugly to the core.

I am angry I did wrong things and made ugly choices. I  am angry because I can't change the things I did. I am angry.  I am angry I couldn't be a better Dad, a better son, a better friend, a better husband, a better Indian.

I am bitter that politicians lie. They only think of getting back into office. I am bitter because people don't appreciate what they have.

I am bitter because we are not kind to people running from war, from death, from horror.
I am bitter

I am bitter because I don't live with the bitterness. I hold the door. I will pay for lunch for police and they don't know it was me. I will try to give rides to people who need it. I will try and share a smile to people. I am bitter because I will think of others and go and do something for them and they don't care. I am bitter because its not stuck in me to be bitter. I am bitter because so many of our kids are dying. Dying from addictions and from taking their own lives.

I learned the hard way not to vent to others. Write it down. Throw it out. Tell God Keep it to yourself. 

Rage Against Racism

No doubt, racism deserves to be seen as pure ugly. In Canada we are watching the events going on with Trump's America. Canadians are horrified and basking in their imagined less racist glory.

There are some thoughts on facing racism. Tina Fey says to stay home and eat cake. That is funny. As you know "let them eat cake" is linked to White privilege (although there is some who say it was never said). In any case Tina Fey is a beneficiary of White privilege. It's not her fault. We are born who we are. We should embrace it. The thing about White people is that some are cool with their status in the world, with their privilege. So good for them, they are aware. Yet there are those who are insecure and want more. It is not enough to be way ahead in the starting line of society. They want the others to not even be seen at the starting block. These people are ripe with all sorts of negativity. So negative and so hate filled that they relish in their ignorance and ugliness.

If we could imagine or see them for what they are, I imagine they would be so hideous not even their own Mother's would hold them. That is the racist; ugly and vile. How can they be anything but ugly?
Still people embrace the ugly. They rally around the ugly. They will kill for the ugly.

Like many people I have been keeping up (to a degree) with the bizarre and ugly things happening right now; the election of a White supremacist president, the increase in public racism, the Nazi rise, the embolden of White Nationalist,, the killing of Black people by police, and just the ugly tone happening in America. It is really upsetting. It is stressful and makes you feel helpless. It also makes people angry.

Anger with no outlet is serious. Anger simmers and it can turn to rage. Rage can be action. Rage can grow from our anger. We are angry because of the injustice going on. The unrelenting racism and the ugly acts. Rage is where we don't want to be. Rage can push us to think and do ugly things.

I remember growing up in the Reserve. The town next to us was filled with White racism and privilege. My Dad felt it growing up from the 1930s and his Dad from the 1800s. The treatment at the hands of White people and officials. So one day my Dad was sighting his rifle. I was  a young teen at the time. He says to me, (this is my Dad mind you, my hero) "If there was a war I would go and shoot everyone of those White fuckers in town". I remember that clearly and it's funny as I remember not at all being shocked or anything. (Of course Dad did not go out and shot white fuckers in town.) Sometimes I feel very much the same way.

Don't we all at one time or another?

When We Choose to Die; When to say When?

Its true! You are dying. We all are. So our time is finite. What are we doing with the time?

I met this guy. He is Kurdish. You know what he is doing with his time (besides working)? He is building schools.  He sends money back home so schools can be built. Does he have his name on the schools; like Trump University or The Buhler Building at the University of Winnipeg? No,  the fact is the people in the community don't even know that he is helping build the schools.

One of Four Schools Built so Far.

I see the pride in him when he speaks of the Schools. He hopes to try and build 100 before he is finished. The buildings may seem modest but its not the point. The thing is he is doing something with his life other than existing.

I wonder about legacy and think about many of those I know who have died. What is their legacy. On my parents grave marker its has a saying; Wiinawa Mino Bimadizi - They Lived a Good Life. Now that is a good legacy and a good way to be remembered.  

I watched my Mom and Dad get eaten up by the Cancer.  What a cruel horrible last leg of their life. Mom was diagnosed and went quickly (thankfully). My Dad had started to get Alzheimer's before he got sick. He told me and my brother that he did not want to live if he was going to be a "vegetable". 

The thing about dying is its so finite, the end. I think about death all the time. Not afraid of it. Just thinking about it and when it will come. It will come for us all. I wonder if I will embrace it? Its quite selfish and weird to be contemplating death all the time. There are many fighting with all their heart to live. Its not fair to the sick, the one's living in a hell of a war torn country or those in a country where famine is slowly killing them, or where people are being killed for who they are and where they live. Its selfish to waste life. 

There are babies just trying to live and they are being killed in every community. Still we have those who are living and not caring about life. They abuse the gift of life they have been given. I know many who have cheated death and are slowly killing themselves with abuse. They don't seem to care about the gift of life. When there are those who are struggling to breathe and stay alive. We seem to be so selfish and not grateful for the ability  to live. Is it fair or right?

I am angry at many who are living and wasting life. Abusing their bodies, their own lives. I know this guy who has been through many rough experiences and still has not learned anything about his life. Its his choice of course. I think about the loss of my own Son and feel bad because it should not have happened. Ending his own life. I know its not right to think "why him?" Why us? Why not others? Those who don't give a damn about anything or anyone else? Life is not fair. I for one don't want to live long. I want the ability to leave when I want. But its not up to us is it?

There those who should be embracing death.  Still its all subjective about who should be embracing death. Do you have an age in mind or a situation in mind where you will welcome death?

I think about this.