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I want to just cry. The pain of tears get stuck in the back of my eyes. The years are gone. I take some music for my memories and there is pain, longing, hurt and regret. This is what death will do to us. Funny because death is meant for us all.
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"Cause when I'm dead and lowered low in my grave, that's gonna be the only thing that's left of me. And if I make it to the waterside, will I even find me a boat or so?"
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Rage hits the head like a battering ram. The anger is not meant for me. It is meant for me. How can I suffer without making other's suffer as well. There is a pain in me that should exist but it shouldn't cause pain to others.
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"Will you make us laugh, will you make us cry? Will you tell us when to live, will you tell us when to die? I know we've come a long way, we're changing day to day, but tell me, where do the children play?"
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There is no way to fix the past. There is no I should have done this or didn't do that. The past is stuck in our head, in our heart and we carry it. To wish is to burden the heart. The heart can't be fixed. I cry but the tears get stuck in my eyes and the only thing is a pain behind the eyes and it burns.
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"All the times that I cried, keeping all the things I knew inside, it's hard, but it's harder to ignore it. If they were right, I'd agree, but it's them you know not me. Now there's a way and I know that I have to go away, I know I have to go."
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It is 15 years since my boy was killed, hanging himself by string in a bedroom closet at the his mother's apartment. A beautiful soul, troubled with pain. It is a pain I should have been able to ease. The pain he couldn't stand and it took him. Now I sit here wanting to take away my own pain.
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"Well sometimes you have to moan when nothing seems to suit you. But never the less you know, you're locked towards the future."
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My dear Mom also died from cancer 15 years ago. I was blessed to know such a good person. It is my heart break that I did not do more for her when she was alive. Now I can only wish and wishing just crushes the heart because there is no chance to fix things.
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"Trouble, Oh trouble set me free. I have seen your face and it's too much too much for me. Trouble, oh trouble can't you see, you're eating my heart away and there's nothing much left of me."
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There is always the pretense of living like there is no pain. There is laughing teasing and getting up in the morning. A smile and lots of laughs. When no one is looking you bow your head and know you are false. The regret, the loss, the longing, the anger, the rage, the crying is just growling deep in you stomach.
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"I listen to my words but they fall far below. I let my music take me where my heart wants to go. I swam upon the Devil's lake, but never, never, never, I'll never make the same mistake."
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Lot of my rage has been with me throughout my whole life. Pain has been there for such a long time. Uncertainty, fear and selfishness was something I carry. Now the pain is different. It's not the pain of being through hardship, it is a pain of ultimate loss. Loss of a child, of your baby is a loss that can't be healed. Time is not a healer.
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"Look up at the mountain I have to climb. Oh yeah, to reach there. Lord my body has been a good friend but I won't need it when I reach the end."
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People always say "I would give anything for more time with my loved one." I can't say that. Sure I would love to sit with my Mom in her kitchen, sharing a cup of tea with her and looking out at the river, just talking about everyday things. How I miss her. But I can not give up anything for the chance to sit with Mom. I have a beautiful loving wife. I can't imagine the pain of not having her in my life. So I know giving up anything is just an empty boast.
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"I'm looking for a hard headed woman, one who will make me do my best. And if I find my hard headed woman, I know the rest of my life will be blessed yes, yes, yes.
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I want to step off this planet. But when I do, what will my wife feel? What will my children think? My grandkids? Is the selfish me, who can't keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep walking? I feel so heavy in my head and my heart. But the selfish part and the nosey part of me wants to keep seeing what is in store. But it is so hard. I go to bed every night with the question of when should I go? I think of my Boy, my Dad, my Brother, my Nephews, my Cousins, Uncles, Aunties, and wonder where they are now? Will I be able to find them when I am dead?
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"My childhood days bring back sad reflections of happy days so long ago. My boyhood friends and my own relations have all passed on like the melting snow."
"Oh but I am sick now and my days are numbered, come all ye young men and lay me down."
"Oh but I am sick now and my days are numbered, come all ye young men and lay me down."
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