Saturday, December 5, 2009
If I should fall from the Grace of God.
I remember being so angry when I was about 9 years old. I took the cross that my Mom had over our doorway and threw it outside on the ground. For the life of me I can't remember why I was mad or why I did that. I do remember the intense guilt and how scared I was. I broke the arm of Jesus. Did I fall from the Grace of God? I did pick it up and put it back with the broken arm gone. Today I still feel bad for what I did.
Oh boy I grew up very scared of going to Hell. I was bad, but so was everyone else. At least I think they were. No different from everyone else in the world, but it sure felt like it. I never really socialized with White people until I was 29 years old. The reason I say this is because you have a narrow view of things you don't really know about. It's funny because I interacted with White people and other people almost daily. I never broke bread with them until I went to dinner with friends of my wife. I really gave her a hard time about going to meet them. Anyway, getting back to God and my fall from His Grace, or is it Her Grace? I guess I was not a big fan of the Church even though my Mom was a very good Christian. I mean in what is expected of a Christian, you know living those good people virtues. I used to tease my Mom quite a bit about the Church. I used to tell I was going to burn it down. She would just brush me off, knowing I was full of poop. We were Indians and Indians shouldn't be believing in the Church. There was so many reasons not to go to Church for, but yet our Reserve were mostly Church people. People still did ceremonies but Church was there as well.
I did Lent come spring before Easter. I would give up something for forty days leading up to Easter. I did it because my Mom did it, no real other reason. She is gone now, so I don't do it. I tried it a couple of years after she passed by there was no incentive. I use to tell my Mom what I was giving up and she would be happy. That was the significance for me. So now she is gone and there is no reason for me to try and keep the connection with the Church. My faith was tested and I failed to keep the faith. I still want to pray, but that is not the same as Church. Even as a person who went to Sweats and did Sundance, I still tried to do my Easter duties, take the Host, confession and fast for Lent. I didn't do confession though, except when I was a kid. I never like that part. I found it weird.
Well that's it I denounced my membership in the Roman Catholic Church, but now have just made it public for what that's worth. If I fall from Grace because of it, well I know longer have that fear of Hell any longer. It's just the way it is I guess.