Thursday, October 6, 2011

When your feelings don't match your mind.

I have been on Citalopram for almost six years now.  ("Other side effects, such as increased apathy and emotional flattening, may be caused by the decrease in dopamine release that is associated with increased serotonin. Citalopram is also a mild antihistamine, which may be responsible for some of its sedating properties." )  

I guess I started on anti-depressant to help me with my depression. Although I could not admit to being depressed at the time. I knew I needed to get out of the deep hole I was in all the time. Everything was so difficult. All I wanted to do was stop. Stop everything, stop breathing, stop thinking, stop existing. So going the citalopram seemed like something to do. Going to a doctor was a chore. 

But things are not as bleak as I once felt they were. I genuinely have fun when I am with the Grankids. I think about them all the time. I also feel the fear in me, when I think about them and the loss of my Boy. I am afraid of the damage that could happen to them. 

The last couple of weeks have seen some accidents. The kids have been getting bumps and lumps. Suz says its normal for active kids to get some bumps. I know I know that is true. A couple of weeks ago, I asked Amelia, my granddaugther to get her jacket, which was on the back of one of the chairs in the dining area. She is four. Jackson, her brother, who is two, ran for her coat. Jacks shoes were on the floor in front of the chair so he tripped and fell on the chair. His face hit the chair. The chair is wooden. He fell and screamed, jumped up and ran over to me. It was awful. He had a big bruise under his eye, which latter turned into a black eye. And then two days ago, I had them playing at central park, downtown. I go there to wait for Suz to get off work and the inner-city park has been fixed up pretty nice. Jack was running and another boy ran into him. He was crying and standing by the mom of the other boy, she was trying to comfort both boys, when all of sudden Jack just fell over and banged his head on the cement. He has a very huge scrape on the side of his face. And yesterday, I was at Canadian Tire, a hardware type store, looking for oil. I had both Amelia and Jack sitting inside a cart. I was at the counter asking for some assistance in looking for an oil filter. When I turned to move, I moved the cart with me. Amelia was standing in the cart reaching for something on the counter. The movement of the cart got her off balance and she fell face first onto the ceramic floor. The ceramic covers concrete. She laid still and did not move. I had seen it all because I was right there; the side of her head hitting the floor, the sound it made and her hair covering her face. I swore and picked her up. She started crying. I took her to the car and then went to her Dad's home. She was very quiet and wanted to sleep, not saying anything and looking dazed. I took her to a Walk-in Clinic to have the doctor look at her. As time went on she became more talkative and more like herself. Her Mom and Dad were there, so I left. She is all-right.

The thing that really bothers me, is that my emotions don't match what goes on in my head. In my head I am crazy with fear, with hurt, with pain about what has happened. But my emotions don't feel the same. It is really strange. It is like I am numb in my heart. But it's not that. The pain is mixed up. Lot of anger in there, but the sorrow is some how blocked. I could not feel right all night and today. I am messed up over what is going on. I feel fear and am scared to have anything happen to my family. Yet, my feelings seem all messed up. I see pain on others, but it doesn't register in my own body. It's like I am watching pain, but not feeling it. So that really scares me. There have been many instances where I see hurt and it doesn't register with me. In my head it is there, but not in the emotions.It's like I have a "stone heart".

Other things that happen are in my dreams. They are so vivid. Like being there. The dreams are so real and many times disturbing. And every single night I dream. Sometimes I wonder about what is happening in my head. The doctor says I will most likely be on the pills for my lifetime. I used to stop taking the pills and my emotions would return, but mostly anger, and things would feel weird. Like turning my head but the vision takes time to catch up, but not exactly like that. Difficult to explain.

I guess I am just trying to get away from feeling so awful for my grankids and my kids. It's like the black cloud is following me and is some-how starting to follow those around me. Most days I have a hard time liking myself, but lately I loathe who I am.

1 comment:

  1. Thanks for the video=great guy.It's frustrating to see that some folks have the ability to be thankful while one feels followed by the black cloud...So when You were a kid You broke a cross...=check my childhod memory:my mother heard me murmuring and she presumed that I was saying a prayer.I explained that I was "quarreling with God"...still happens today...See You in hell Brother?Naaah...The Creator must have known very well what He was doing giving life to such ungrateful,quarrelsome crazy Indians.My guess would be there's a job for us to do.O'K so I'm a mean,impatient and rebelious beast but I'm also determined,tenacious fighter ,not compromising and ready for a sacrifice .I feel we are similar and do NOT loathe Yourself.Do what You're here for=rebel.Talking about depression....It's just one of the symptoms of Post- traumatic stress disorder.Some folks talk about "intergenerational PTSD in Native Americans".Scientifically speaking or not,guess what:we have it.Our grandparents lived and "coped",our parents inherited it, now we have it and the younger generation inherits it as well.People with PTSD experience traumatic events stronger than "PTSD free"folks.Any good news?Well,I know for a fact that with the syndrome we're inhering also coping abilities seen only in post-war generations.When do the self-defense kick in?From my observation it's "activated"when we know exactly what it is and can recognise the black cloud.I decided or maybe it was decided for me to devote my life to fighting this shit so if You want to talk more about PTSD I'm always around. The last thing:Kids get bruises and they bump into things?Well,You feel pain but instinctively You know it's a part of prep for life.Would we avoid deadly burn if we didn't learn that hot things are not to play with?Now imagine Your buddy Silaada's Gran when I was "catapulted"(in a rocking chair...)through the window(playing astronauts)...Take care Steve.