Saturday, September 1, 2012

World Suicide Prevention Day September 10, 2012. Prevent the Screams

In the world there is a suicide every 40 seconds. Wow, that is kind of hard to imagine.  The world is so big, and that is a heck of lot of people. I guess there must be reasons? The world is a hard place for many.

This August 25 came and went. It was seven years ago that we found our boy hanging in the closet at his mom's home. She moved out soon after that. I remember that day and the days before my boy chose to leave this world. We had not been talking for a little while, almost a month. I was lonesome for him and he was emailing me to go call him. So I went out to visit him. Before I went out I went to the mall to buy him some shoes. I bought him a couple of pairs of shoes and took him a jacket and a sweater. My boy was 20 years old and yes I still like to buy him stuff. I always thought shoes were a good gift. Who in the heck doesn't like shoes? Anyway, I was with my friend Earl and we stopped by to see my boy Donovan at this mom's place. I asked him if he wanted to go a movie later. He was real happy to see me. I was happy and proud of my boy. He was getting in good shape, working out and not doing that awful drug anymore. So his weight was up and he was looking good. I came back later that evening and we went to see a Star Wars Movie at the cheap theater.   I remember that one scene in the movie where Anakin Skywalker was burned and that is where he was to become Darth Vadar. I looked at my son and he just smiled at me, because I was in awe of that scene. He kind of laughed a bit.

After the movie I drove him back to his mom's place. We were quiet. I was thinking that I should say something to him. I remember thinking that I should say something. We said see ya' when I dropped him off, I don't remember if I told him I loved him or not (I used to be sure that I told him I love him, but not sure anymore). That was a Thursday or Friday I think. Pretty sure it was Thursday. I didn't see him or call him that weekend. I went to Sagkeeng that next Monday and Tuesday. I ran into my Auntie Marg in Sagkeeng and she was asking me about my Boy. I told her, he was doing good. She was pleased and told me that my Mom always worried for him. I was thinking about asking Perry (he had a moving business in Edmonton)  if Don ( I called my boy Don, short for Donovan) could go work for him in Edmonton. Was not sure about that though. But I had hoped being with Danny would make it easier for him out there. Danny was Donovan's childhood friend. That same day Tuesday I took my Dad out to visit in the town of  Lac du bonnet. That is where my Auntie Ave and Uncle Oskie live. It is about a forty five minute drive east of our Reserve, Sagkeeng. We found out that Oskie was in hospital in the nearby town of Pinawa. My uncle Oskie had very bad lungs and was on a oxygen machine in the hospital. He had worked in underground mines all of his life. My Dad and I went to visit him. It was a good visit. My Dad talked in the Language with him throughout the visit.

Wednesday I was in Winnipeg. I remember that Suz and I were going to visit my brother in law Gord at the hospital. Gord had lung cancer and he was suppose to be in very bad shape. While I was picking up Suz at her work, my cell phone ran. It was Donovan's Mom. She was at her place and the door was locked from the inside and Don wasn't answering the phone. I told her to phone the police. She was worried that if there was a warrant for Don the police would pick him up. I told her not worry as he would be safe if they did. I must have kind of new something was wrong, that Don was gone. But that thought came and went instantly. Suz and I went to the hospital to visit her brother Gord. I didn't take my cell phone in to the hospital. When we came back to the car after our visit. There were calls on my cell. I checked messages. My cousin Frank had called, my brother Don and  my daughter Jess. We took off and I went towards the end of town where Donovan's mom was.

I don't remember the ride. I do remember getting a call from my sister Carol. Carol told me Don, my boy was dead. I told her No! Swore at her and hung up. When we arrived at Don's Mom's place, the cops were there, Frankie, Don (my brother) Jess and her mom, her Aunt, Uncle and Grandmother were there as well. The cop wouldn't let us in the door. The medical examiner came out and told us to be ready. That Don had been hanging for a couple of days and he was tongue was hanging out, it was black. The cops had cut him down and put him in a body bag and set him on the couch in the living room. We went in. I stroked my Boy's head. Rubbed his hair. Not sure what happened after that.

Not sure when they took him out of the place. I remember being outside and people were asking us what was going on. My cousin came and got me away from people. I said to them, sad things were going on.

I remember the next morning, walking to our living room, lying down on the floor screaming no, no, no. over and over again.

So please remember Suicide Prevention Day on September 10. Maybe it can prevent someone else from screaming over and over again... no, no, no, no.


  1. Every year, Suz & I get a nice card in the mail from Auntie Rita and Uncle Al. Suz's brother. They are such caring people. We share food with our boy. This year we went to visit him and take him a couple of turtles. My Mom used to give us turtles. I haven't gone out yet and bought shoes for a stranger but will do that this month when I have a few bucks.

  2. Brought tears to my eyes, as my brother only weeks ago attempted suicide. It hurt me to know this, but its a reality. He was smart enough to check himself into hospital as in his case it goes hand in hand with drug abuse and a mental illness. All I can do now is listen, be supportive, be available and send him to the avenues that can help him. Thank you for sharing...

  3. I’ve lived through suicides and “suicides”. Don’t know what is worse-the tangible enemy or the “why?! ». Sharing pain is a powerful weapon on this battleground. May Your spirit be strong.

  4. Preventing suicide? WHY?
    Suicide is the ultimate expression of a person's autonomy: That courage should be applauded.

  5. No doubt it does take courage. I think that the argument of assisted suicide (for the extremely ill) is a valid one. I agree with that right to chose. However, however, I do not believe that taking your own life is an isolated incident. Almost everything we do is connected. Autonomy aside, we are connected. Even the people that have no quality of life and those that need end of life assistance are not alone. They do suffer the ailments themselves, but their pain reverberates around to others that care for them. That is what suicide does, it reverberates all over. It is not an isolated event.

  6. Even the not so spiritual Anglo-psychology admits that losing a loved one equals “an amputation of limbs “on the scale of stress. This is for the stress suffered by body, for the spirit it’s an opened wound. I think that we do not have right to take decisions for another human being, but we do have the right to remind about our love, about these who will be left crippled with pain for the rest of their lives.