Friday, October 11, 2013

What does it say when you hope your Dad dies?

What an awful sentiment that you hope for someone to die. Not just anyone but your Dad?

Fucking Cancer!  I feel so angry that cancer is slowly killing my Dad. The family is with him.
He has become a shell of what he is. No eating, just taking fluids. He went from someone who, despite his memory loss, was in good shape physically. He would walk and walk. People in the community would see him walking on the road. Dad would be wearing his road safety vest so drivers could see him. Now he is so weak from the Cancer that he barely gets out of bed. Fucking Cancer.
He is in constant pain. Up until not so many days ago, he would still try and tease and joke. The last couple of days, he is not able to speak much. Never mind get up and try and walk. He can still stand and walk but very shaky. He has fallen a few times. His nose looks like it is broken because of a fall.

Tonight I could not control my anger. My anger at seeing my Dad suffer.  Cancer is a sick beast. It took my Mom in the same way. She could not eat. Fucking Cancer. I don't unleash anger at anyone but at me.

My brother Don and sister Jean went to a Cancer prevention event this past weekend. They are trying to help in ways to defeat cancer. Me, I do nothing.

When I am visiting around I pretend to cope. I act stupid and say stupid things. Make people laugh or cringe at my stupid attempts at comedy or joke telling. It is stupid act. I am hurting. Like all of them I guess.

Fucking Cancer. It takes away your life. It first takes the quality of life that you have than it slowly and painfully eats you. Fucking Cancer.

It makes you want someone to die. Fucking Cancer!  What can you say about something that would make you wish for death for someone so dear to you??? Fucking Cancer. It takes everything. Their ability to do the simplest things for themselves. What chance do you have? 

For me every night the pain comes in the form of regret. All of my ugly past comes to haunt me. Why could I have not been a better son? Why could I have not caused so much pain to my parents?  The bad things I have done flood my mind. I can't stop it. So it starts, "oh its all about me again".  Fucking Cancer. Why does my Dad have to suffer?  Fucking Cancer. I see  my brother and sister struggle to come to grips with the pain that my Dad endures. Fucking Cancer. How come I didn't do this before for my Dad? I should have been better son.  I should have been there more for him.

I love my Dad. I will never say that to him. And I never will hear that from him. It does not matter. I know my Dad loves us. He is a good Dad.

Dad with the great George Chuvalo

One of the things I appreciate is the good wishes for Dad from people. You can never have enough good feelings and love from people. I hope my Dad's relatives and friends continue to hold vigil for him. Even if he cannot acknowledge them, it is good to send good wishes. Maybe the pain will lessen on him with the amount of people seeing him and feeling for him.


  1. "Fucking Cancer". My mom is suffering from lung cancer. she is strong and she is a fighter but she is in pain. My dad also had cancer he passed on last year. The love of my life also died of cancer a couple of years ago.Why? Why? Why?. They don't deserve to suffer. Life is so unfair.

  2. Yes. It is hard to admit....but I wished he could just let go @ the last. He finally did.My poor Papa is at rest finally. No more pain. I love him.

  3. We all want our loved Ones to live. We never think of them dying. But suffering is another animal. That Cancer takes so much out of them. My brother in law died of lung cancer as well. He was a pretty good guy. No pretense, just a country music loving guy. Another brother in law, same thing Cancer. Took his body down to almost nothing. In the end he didn't want anyone visiting anymore. My other brother in law same thing, the cancer got him. He suffered. My Mom, my aunts. We want them to be alive but not in constant pain. I feel for you and your loss. Steve

  4. Hello, you just want the suffering to end, which for most patients is death from Fucking wife died about 3 years ago from Fucking Cancer....cervical cancer. From 2004 to 2010, 6 years, she fought it and in the end went from about 145 pound to 80 pounds her last year. It was a relief for her suffering to end. Do not feel guilty. Spend as much time with your Dad as you can, face the end with him with dignity and respect, let him know in your own way that you love him and try to be strong even though it is tough.... I don't think you can do much more than this... prayers for you and him both.

  5. My Dad passed away on October 21st.

  6. My heartfelt condolences to you and your family.