Looking Into My Brain

You're sitting in your car in traffic and you look left at the person in the next car; you start to wonder what is she thinking, where is she going,wonder what her life is like, job, kids and siblings? We wonder about life outside or our heads. We can't really imagine what is the heads of others and what their life is really like. I mean look at someone like Bjork. Who is she? Wonder what she thinks about in her life? But then who really cares?

My wife and I always say "we are so different from each other".  She will say " she never thinks that" when I tell her something I am thinking. I guess it is normal for everyone to be like that.

I will give a little glimpse in my head.

About 30 years ago my wife Suz went to buy a dog, a miniature Schnauzer. Went into the house and the people had the beautiful puppies in a large cardboard box. So they said want to see the parents? We did and they brought in the parent dogs. The woman took on dog and put it on the kitchen table for us to look at her. This was weird. Who puts a dog on the kitchen table? For us that is not a thing to do. The big thing do is to put a shoe on the table. You know like when you come home with your new shoes in the box and you put the box on the table. You are asking to go hungry with things like that. I remember saying this to a friend, who happens to be a Medicine man-Elder. He laughed at me.

The other day my Wife and I were in Safeway at the checkout line. Down at my feet was a folded up twenty dollar bill I said hey to my wife and picked it up. I paid for our items with the twenty dollars feeling all lucky. After we started driving the weight of the twenty dollar bill started to weigh heavy on my mind. What is going to happen? Sure enough couple of days later my Wife and my daughter were at the Bay store trying on coats. My daughter had left her wallet with the coats. When they came home my daughter told me about it and said it was my fault. I shouldn't have kept that twenty dollar bill. I should have passed it on. That's what goes on in my head.

Last night, after two days had passed I phoned the lost and found of the Bay. I was thinking and I told the Bay employee about the wallet and I said maybe some kind soul was thinking its close to Christmas and decided to turn in the wallet. Sure enough someone did. Awesome.

You see during the day a friend phoned me and we talked. His granddaughter was killed in a car accident last year and it is crippling to him. We shared about how when we get happy that we get scared. We get guilty for feeling happy. Fearful that if we get too happy something bad will happen again the spite us or make sure we don't forget to be sad and mindful. My son died of suicide 12 years ago and I live in fear of another tragic incident. I felt good after talking with him and glad that he was able to confide and share his feelings with me about his girl. So I felt good that I had listened to him in earnest. Maybe something good would happen to me for being empathetic. And the wallet thing for my daughter was that good thing.

My wife and I are committed to the Give Away. For a variety of reasons. First we like to make me people happy. The other thing is that its an act of kindness and we are kind generous folk. We always try to be generous. The other thing is that in order to get good things in our lives we should be willing to give good things in return. We have given many many gifts to people. In return we have gotten many blessings. Our grandchildren come to mind. And we want to make sure they are safe, happy and looked after. The more love and good feelings we get from people, all the better for our family. Of course I am like anyone and get upset when I feel or see that people don't seem to appreciate our gestures of kindness or generosity. But I remember the gift is not for them to return if they don't want to. It's for the blessings, the gifts we may receive in other ways; like maybe a friendly wave or smile from the stranger in the next car, or the person holding open the door from my wife or the kind smile to a grandchild.

In  my mind I am not isolated. Even though I am a home body and rarely go visiting friends and family I am not in the world alone. My actions have rewards and consequences. So I have to act accordingly.

I fear of being too happy or else I be  showed what saddens really is.