August 25th will be six years since my son, Donovan killed himself in his Mom's place. The police said he was there for a least two days. I remember that day when the police went in. I think about and wonder what he was thinking. That is the reality of suicide. You are left with so many questions, what if's, how could I have done to change it, and why? Why did he do that? It is difficult enough and impossible to make peace with that. I will always know there could have been better options. I would change places him in a second. For him to be here and for me to be gone. That is the thing that can never be, wanting it to be a mistake, a dream and finally to wake up from it.
There has been a little talk in the news media about suicide since NHL player Rick Rypien took his own life. The stories skirt around the issue of suicide, but focus rather on depression. Depression is a serious issue and has the stigma that comes along with mental health issues. People don't want to say crazy in the head, but they are thinking it.
Anyway, I am not sure if suicide will ever be without the negative stigma. There is all the negative connotations associated with suicide: cowards way out, selfish, a Sin, against the law and so on. For me, I am not sure of what to think. I know my Son is not in Hell. Even if there was a chance that he may have been going there, David went traveled there and got him and his cousin out of there. He told me so.
So we have come another year and time has not kicked in and eased it. I am still waiting for time to heal all wounds. Still it is not as severe as it once was. I can laugh, I can enjoy time with the Grandkids. Still my time alone is when my mind takes me back to that place with my Son. A lot of the those thoughts go back to the mistakes that I made. Those are the thoughts that haunt me. It is a hell of place to be alone in time. Those are the things that keep me buried in a mound of dirt, covered in earth, seeing only the darkness of things.
I wonder what thoughts haunted that young NHL player?