Looking in the mirror and it's ugly

Can you think of the most horrible thing you have ever done? Or can you visualize the ugliest thing you have ever witnessed? When is it enough? Having those memories in your head. I see another Indian girl has turned up dead in the outskirts of the city of Winnipeg, Manitoba this week. They say there are about 20 girls missing and if you count murdered girls the number goes up to 75 ("The Native Women's Association of Canada estimates there are 520 cases of missing or murdered aboriginal women in Canada -- 26 per cent from British Columbia and 14 per cent from Manitoba." CTV 08/24/09) Can you imagine how the much anguish the family is going through. I am not sure if we can. We can understand loss, grief, and all the other emotions that a person goes through, but can we really "feel" what is happening? I don't think I would want to find out. As a parent I belong to a club that no parent should be part of, the loss of a child group. But even more people have their own horrors to contend with.

I know, I know there are other people who have it worse in the world. I understand that logically and rationally. But have it register in my heart when a dark wave of ugly thoughts and feelings flood your system to the point where you can't even get up on to your feet. It's really weird I know. People say get over it already it's been a long time. I know, I know. I see absolutely no reason to hang on to grief, but for whatever reason it consumes daily thoughts. Weird.

I see so much of my relatives that have lead way harder lives and are living harder lives than I have. For me I have experienced so much and have managed to climb out of the Reserve mindset. I know that sounds so arrogant and so condemning. It's not what I mean. This what I mean, it shouldn't have happened to me! I tried to do the right things. I made sure I put my Boy in sports. I didn't drink, smoke or do drugs. He never saw that in his house growing up. He had a safe home. Never had to fear for someone sneaking into his room when a party was going on. No way! I made sure my kids had never had to endure the life of drink. I tried to make sure they didn't have to live hard.

I think it was my volatility. My up-roars. My never saying sorry after a bout with anger. Instead I felt the shame inside me. I tried to make it up by giving them things. Every week we would go to BJ Supertoy Sales. The kids would pick something out. It was my way of making up for my ugliness. That ugliness trait I wish that I could have kicked that too. Leaving the drink was not enough. I see others in the drink and their kids are in the drink too, but they are alive! I think my behaviour was the driving force behind my Boy turning to a hard life.

I live the life of a selfish individual. Not ready to let my Boy go. Not ready to start living for the rest of the family. What can you do when you have done the worse thing in the world, let your Boy die? I look in the mirror and see the ugly.

Story from home: My friend told me that the devil is not ugly, the devil is handsome. People will not go to an ugly devil. For me the devil is not what the bible has taught us, but it is more than a symbol, it is a part of life that we deal with everyday, the drugs, the drink, the jealous friend, the backstabber, the fickle friend, the angry neighbour, and the false leaders. My friend was referring to a Traditional Teacher/Elder that was not a good person. I think we have all encountered that individual, not only in the Reserve but on the street, at work and at large in the community.