Saturday, January 16, 2010

A badge of failure that I must wear for the rest of My life

Sharing food with Donovan on his Birthday.

January 17, 1985 was the birthday of my boy Donovan Steven Scott Ray Courchene. He was my boy! The one who was going to be a better man than me. The one who was going to go on and be a good man. A good Friend. A good solid career. He was going to be all the things I was not. That is how I saw him in the future.

The way I see my boy is that he will always be that little boy. That son who was my everything. I think of him everyday. It gets a little harder this time of year and again in the August Month. He took his life August 25, five years ago. It is a long time ago. Yet the pain, the hurt, the horror is felt like it was that day.

I remember the day. I remember the week. I remember seeing him. I remember.

We can all go on living. It's never the same when your baby goes. Sometimes it is merciful that our baby goes, sometimes it's not.

I am not sure if it was merciful for my boy to go. I know it was not. It was a decision. Can you imagine how alone you must feel to make that choice?

We will never know his last moments, his last thoughts. Was he thinking of me? Was he thinking we would come through the door and rescue him?

I don't know. I only know I failed him. And that failure will always be a badge that I must wear.

I miss you Donovan. I love you.
Donovan with Grannie (my Mom)


  1. I am so sorry for your loss and wish i could offer someting to ease your pain. I don't know how a parent recovers from such a monumental loss.
    I offer prayers for a peaceful, safe journey for you and yours.

  2. Hi Steve Julian! I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I know that they are not words suitablle.
    Prayers to you and yours.I'm thinking of you.

  3. Steve Julian,
    I am so sorry for your loss. I pray that the sting of this will become less for you...and that you will be able to not blame yourself for this tragedy.


  4. bohzo

    Greetings from Michigan! Too many of our young people feel lost and alone and rarely can one person make a difference to stop them. I do know how you feel.


  5. Yes, it is a sad thing and it must hard for people. I know in our community it is not super common, but it is not uncommon. Other Native communities suffer higher numbers.
    Thanks for the good comments.