Sunday, February 28, 2010

Time to take a dump or get off the pot.

Moaning and groaning all the time about how I messed up with my Son,is not positive. It is time I took a stand. Stop wailing about stuff and do something. If I didn't know better I was exhibiting signs of Munchausen Syndrome. You know where someone pretends or fakes illness for the attention it gets. Well if I wasn't so messed up in my head I would think that I was constantly trying to get attention and garner sympathy. A selfish act as usual. All about me. Well that is how I see thing a lot of the time. There is much more agony in the world that what I experienced. So why in the heck do I feel so alone. Feel the need to let people into my little world? It doesn't make sense. I should be moving on, whatever that means. I mean look at the things and people I have: a caring wife who is my friend and backbone; a beautiful little daughter that is so full of life that it has to be contagious; two grown kids that are working and living their lives; two great grandkids who are my new world. So what is it that makes me want to toil in the darkness, the isolation, the self loathing, the wanting to step off the world? It just doesn't make sense.

So I am going to do something. I am going to organize a two day get together for Survivors of suicide. The idea is to have an outlet for people in the community and the larger community to share their experience. For them to look for some help. To get ideas on where to go to seek help. To look at what is lacking in the community and go forward from there. To do it for people to help themselves. In the larger community there is help out there. Lot of that help is self sustaining. We need to that in the smaller Aboriginal communities.

I contacted an Elder for his thoughts and his help to see if this is an idea that we should take forward and try. He is a very good man, Tabosnakwut (Peter) Kinew. I value his word and would not take it forward if he thought otherwise. I was happy to hear from him right away. I think his knowledge of the Traditions is the key to helping our people.

Well there you have it. I am going to be talking with Peter again and hope to have some concrete ideas. His story is something I have not right to share, but he knows all about the pain that people go through. My brother Donald is going to be looking at venues to where we can hold this gathering. We could have it in the Reserve, but as my brother has said, hurt, grief knows no boundaries. It can happen to anyone and should open to anyone. So I guess attempting to hold the venue in the city of Winnipeg Manitoba, may be good for people.

If you see the news, even the rich are not immune. As two celebrities have lost their children this past week. Sad.

"Suicide loss is the subject of many myths and misconceptions. The greatest of thesesis often voiced by suicidal individuals -- the mistaken belief that no one will care or will be affected by the suicide. Other myths of suicide loss are equally misguided:

Myth 1: There is nothing that anyone could have done to prevent the suicide. - Not all suicides can be prevented because some victims show little sign of their suicidality and others take steps to avoid discovery or rescue. Nonetheless, at some point in the process a timely intervention might have averted the tragic outcome.

Myth 2: In time those affected by the loss of someone to suicide will get over it. - Suicide loss is characterized by a long, severe, and painful grief that may not abate. It certainly takes longer to resolve than grief associated with more "normal" deaths.

Myth 3: Someone who has never experienced a suicide loss can know what it is like. - "I know what you are going through" can only be true if the speaker is also a suicide griever. Those who have never endured trauma can learn to be sensitive to those who have, but this does not result in "feeling" the trauma.

Myth 4: Those who endure a suicide loss are made stronger by it. - Suicide loss shatters personal beliefs, depletes self-esteem, leads to depression, and sometimes to suicide. Recovering from a suicide loss alone is a demanding process. Most who experience it have little energy to do more than survive.

Myth 5: Those who are young when a parent or sibling suicides are spared the pain. - The very young often feel the effect years later when they learn what happened. Children grieve and may have serious problems if it is not acknowledged and supported.

Myth 6: A suicide by an older person doesn't affect others as it does if the victim is young.- The grievers of an elder victim may be told that he/she "was old and going to die anyway." This marginalizes their grief.

Myth 7: Being around others who have had such a loss will just make you feel worse. - Such contact is usually beneficial. It shows that one is not alone. Interacting with other survivors helps "normalize" the loss by demonstrating that one is not alone.

Myth 8: Those around someone who has had a suicide loss shouldn't talk about it. - Ignoring loss is denying loss. It should not be given "the silent treatment." Hurtful or stigmatizing comments about suicide should be avoided, but talking about the loss with a survivor can be very supportive.

Myth 9: Learning about suicide after having a suicide loss will not do any good. - Most who suffer a suicide loss need to know how it came to happen and understand "why."

Myth 10: Stigma is no longer associated with suicide loss. - There may still be hurtful remarks about the victim, what motivated their death, and the grievers' responsibility or knowledge of their intent."


  1. I remember once saying I was going to extend myself and reach out to a schizophrenic. I made him so happy that he told me when his emissary arrives at the air port, he was going to give me stock tips that would make me a millionaire.

    I am glad I reached out in compassion to a suffering fellow human, but he showed me that some people have such serious deep seated mental problems that their problems can't be solved by me.

    I am trying desperately to help a person who has tried to commit suicide three times. I just don't seem to have what it takes to convince him that life is a beautiful gift from the Creator. We should do all that we can to prevent suicide, but like my schizophrenic some seem incapable of relating to reality. I tell myself that I will not feel guilty when he commits suicide. I know I will.

  2. Kia ora Steve,
    I am about to turn 50 this year. When I was 15 my best friend whom had grown up across the street from me killed himself. To this day, not a day goes by that I do not think about him, or look at my own 16 year old son and try to figure it all out. There is no wisdom, no finally "getting it", there is just a hole, the signals I might have missed, and sadness he is not here now.
    What you are doing is a tremnedous thing, I reckon there is so much silence out there because the myths you so elegantly write about. After exposure to all these myths we tend to just keep it all bottled up. Wish I could be there. Kia kaha (Remain Strong).
    Aroha, (Love)

  3. My wife and I are going to do what we always do, have a special time for our boy. She prefers the privacy of doing things, rather than public. We will hold a small dinner and maybe a give-away this summer. As for the gathering we are planning I hope that it comes true. take care.

  4. The regret of missing a suicide or even the blame for not doing the most you could do is hard to take. I do hope that you are able to have some peace.