Wednesday, April 14, 2010

What's it like to be depressed. It's really like this:

I noticed that my pictures are showing a smiling fellow. I find that pretty amazing. It is a good reflection of a person that is very happy. I even work at posting happy musings. It's all good. Thing is it's not all good.
Helping out with the Survivors Gathering I realize that I can't manage too much. Some days I wonder what am I doing, can't even hope to do something. I smile because I hate that person. That person that is always complaining. That person that is talking about how sad they are. How hard it is being them. How hard that no one knows what they are going through. Hell lots of people have it worse. Some people live in Hell. I got it real good. Supportive family. Good friends, a good friend that is also my Wife. My wife that does everything for me. Great grandkids. Good kids. :)
So what the heck is wrong with me?
Stop it already! Get off that lazy arse and get on with life, with living for the family, for your friends and for your boy.
I don't know. I don't know. I sink into these thoughts that are just not good. Everything is such a chore, such a black hole, a deep tunnel, a burden, a crumb of a person, a sloth, a rotten no good for nothing useless excuse.
Woo, that is harsh even for me.
I want to be that person that cares for everyone. Cares to do well in what ever task I have. You know I started painting our house 3 years ago. It is a joke now. I did one gable end. Even that looks like Hell. I don't know how long I had the ladder up. The can of paint by the ladder. I went a number of times to get paint brushes rollers. I have a bag of new ones in the shed.
This year for sure I will finish that job. I will complete something. I will do it myself. Not my wife doing stuff for me, but me doing it for us and me.
I know it's pathetic.
Just sounding off.
There is a lot of misery out there, I should remember how lucky I am.

Have yourself a great week. The spring is here and it signals a change. Let's ride that change for a great summer.

That's it, no more posting negative stuff about me. From now on, it's pooping smiles.

Adding to the post here on the first day of June. Boy I miss my boy. I am up late thinking and thinking. Thinking lots. Your eyes hurt from the pressure. You don't know if you can make it. Another day, just one more day. Let's get by another day.

For me its always there's something wrong with my life.

1 comment:

  1. Kia ora Steve,
    The great thing about places like this is that it allows you to vent. Thanks for writing honestly.Kia kaha.