Saturday, April 30, 2011

When your heart breaks

This year is coming up on six years that my Son, Donovan took his life. I am still not happy. I am still not able to cope, still not able to "move on" as they say. Wonder what the heck?

I am messed up today, right this very second. Do you know why I blog? It is because I want my boy to stay alive. For me to be able to talk about him and not see the expressions in peoples faces. The "oh no" faces. I know others have it more difficult and there is much more pain out there than what I have. Still it is because I am a selfish bastard that I put it out there. I want my boy back. I want to try again and make it right. Make it better. Be a better Dad. Listen more. Not mold him into something that he was not. He was a sensitive boy. And I messed that up. Want to know what suicide is all about? Its horror. Its heartbreak. Its ugly. Its all over.



If I needed you
Would you come to me
Would you come to me
For to ease my pain
If you needed me
I would come to you
I would swim the seas
For to ease your pain

2 comments:

  1. I honestly do not really know what to say. I see your pain in your words and feel it too
    I want to say I could help take it away but pain always lessens in its own time depnding on who we are , the expereince etc.
    I have lost friends & relatives to suicide ,yes it is not the same as losing a child and when they take their own life . The pain just could not be the same as losing a parent or a friend . I have also lost 9 children due to miscarriage , that pain is still not the same . I have been close to losing our children due to acciedents but I still do not believe that would be as painful as your pain. my freind lost his mother to suicide . He told me it took him 7 yrs . to grieve and have the pain lessen . he although not jewsih somehow found a Rabbi to speak to and whatever that man told him it helped him immensely .
    I posted a comment on your post about Trainors . Desi lost his ds the same way you lost yours . maybe just maybe you could meet one day . is there a support group for parents there who have lost family members , especially children to suicide ?
    again I am of course sorry . I wish there would be someway to take that pain away but can't .
    if any comfort can come to you via others compassion that is what I can offer ☺
    you being able to share I think is very important in healing , I know this from healing from abuse . we cannot hide our pain , it is the worst thing we can do. so I am really glad you have this blog ☺

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