This winter I lost self control and did an ugly thing. I was so upset at myself for not being in control of my emotions. It's ugly. After my loss of control I needed to think. I took a walk with my dog, Bruce Willis. We went over to this park area. There is a clump of trees in the field and we went over there. I was distraught. I could see no future, no way out of being back in control. My anti-depressants don't seem to be working as good as they have been. My emotions are starting to take control; the black deep outlook on every single thing. I had taken with me a rope. I had every intention of stopping my life. Standing in the clump of trees with the winter wind wailing around me and Bruce Willis tugging on his leash wanting to continue with his walk. I stood among the trees for a long while. I was summing up the courage to tie the rope to the tree and to gently go to sleep with rope shutting off my brain. Its a difficult thing to go through with ending your life. I am sure if it wasn't so hard, many more people would end up at the end of a rope. I chickened out. I thought of the anguish of my wife and my kids. I would miss my grankids, the light in my life. Living won on this night.
My wife and I talked about how much I fight with the idea of suicide. She says I know how it feels to be left behind. I wouldn't want to do that to my wife and kids.
It has been a long struggle and an on going battle with dark thoughts and getting off the Earth. I know that I would not be here if it were not for the intervention of people in my life. I am very thankful for my friend Sorin. It is because of him that I am able to spend precious moments with my kids and my wife. He may not know how he extended my life. Same with these women Oghichidaakwe that sat and sang and prayed with me in a Sweat. It was with a sense of clarity that I found a sense of relief in ending my life. Ending my life is something that I don't relish. Think of the things I would miss out on. However, there is this dark black cloud over me that is weird. I can't shake it. Feelings of deep ugliness. No explaining it. At the least I can smile at you and even share a funny story at worse, I can't open my eyes without seeing the end. I think of all the ugliness that I caused in my life and any ugliness that I endured. I wrote a note to my girl and it still sits in the computer. I did hand write my wishes to my wife a while back and keep it in my drawer for her to find one day. Weird eh?
So right now I can say my life is going well. I can even look happy. My wife cares for me and keeps me busy and teases and eases the darkness. My grandkids give me hope. That is all we can hope for, some hope to keep us going.
Thank you for many of the un-named folks that have carried me, you may never know how much your kind gestures, your visit or a small chat has meant to me. I bet there are lot of you people out there that have helped someone make it one more day.
Warning Signs of SuicideThese signs may mean someone is at risk for suicide. Risk is greater if a behavior is new or has increased and if it seems related to a painful event, loss or change.
- Talking about wanting to die or to kill oneself.
- Looking for a way to kill oneself, such as searching online or buying a gun.
- Talking about feeling hopeless or having no reason to live.
- Talking about feeling trapped or in unbearable pain.
- Talking about being a burden to others.
- Increasing the use of alcohol or drugs.
- Acting anxious or agitated; behaving recklessly.
- Sleeping too little or too much.
- Withdrawn or feeling isolated.
- Showing rage or talking about seeking revenge.
- Displaying extreme mood swings.
Additional Warning Signs of Suicide
- Preoccupation with death.
- Suddenly happier, calmer.
- Loss of interest in things one cares about.
- Visiting or calling people to say goodbye.
- Making arrangements; setting one's affairs in order.
- Giving things away, such as prized possessions.