Fuck me anyways

 There are lot of reasons to be swearing at yourself. One of them is for being an arse. The16th of March is 21 years that my Mom died from Cancer. Yeah, Cancer that ugly beast. Had she had been diagnosed who knows if she would have had a chance. She was having stomach problems for quite some time and the local Doctor told her to drink coffee or not drink coffee and to walk. It had become unbearable for her in the winter, my sister took her to emergency in the city, Winnipeg. She spent the night and the next day the news of cancer was given. One month later she is dead. 

I saw on social media where this guy shows a lifeline using a long piece of paper. He holds up this thin piece of paper and says this paper represents 100 years of life: "the average life span for women is 81 and the average age for men is 75 years of age. So take of 25 years from the 100 and cut it out. Now you are 65 years of age, so take that 65 years from the first part of the paper. Threw it away, it is gone, you can never get that back. What do you have left? You have this small piece of paper which represents your life left." That video sure hit it  on the bullseye. Just like I always say, "my life flashed right between my eyes," or something to that affect. I think about those god-damn 65 years now gone. Gone! No matter how much I want to have them back they are gone baby, gone. 

Fuck me anyways. All those mistakes, those ill said words, those dastardly deeds and no way to fix them. If, and there is always if, we just have the time back. Oh, how we would do things differently. It's like finding a frog hopping in the middle of a street in January in Manitoba of all places. If's are not going to happen, just like a garter snake slithering around the top of the frozen Red River when it's minus 30 degrees Celsius. Those years are gone man, gone. The only thing left of those years are our memories. That's where I say to myself, Fuck me. I think of those times when I could have been kinder. When I should have been more generous with time for my Mom, for my Dad, for my brother Pancho, and for my Son, Don. 

I drive to the Reserve everyday Monday to Friday from the city and that's when the haunting takes over from the night before. I will be driving along listening to tunes and it will hit me, Fuck me anyways. 

Imagine that, the chances are I don't have ten years left. Am I going to spend the next ten years continuing to say Fuck me anyways? It's those fucking if's, we actually think we can have those if's. Nope, we only have those mistakes, those regrets, those fucking selfish moments. That is what keeps us saying Fuck me anyways. 

As my grand-daughter use to say when she was three, Popsicle will make it better. 

Come Over if Your Intentions are Good

 It was a Gathering, a gathering for Women to speak about things. The Women are Warriors, Women who have been active in all manner of causes. They speak up for the environment, the Land, the water, for the Missing Women, the Women killed, the lack of support from men. So they wanted a public forum to Stand in their Truth. That is what they did, they called for the public to come take part. The Women all spoke with their hearts and their experience. The Women included the men. The men came to listen and to share when they were asked. An man who was known as a good man, was asked to speak at the Gathering. The people asked, were asked right at the Gathering, they were not approached prior to the Gathering. It was an organic thing, where things traveled with no pushing or pulling a direction. The  man stood in the middle of the group. He had his hands low but out to the front of him. One hand was open and he looked at it. He was quiet for a while. He then started to speak about Tobacco. You see Tobacco is Sacred for Indian people (I know we are not Indian people). Tobacco is one of the First Sacred Medicines given to our people. Tobacco is used respectfully and that includes gifting it or presenting it to someone which you are seeking advice, time, or their presence. When the man was asked to speak, no Tobacco was presented to him, thus the looking at his hand for Tobacco.  I loved that. We make mistakes and how are we going to correct those mistakes if we don't know? 

"Well, go ahead and call the cops, you don't meet nice girls in coffee shops. She said baby, I still love you. Sometimes there's nothin left to do."

This past we had a two day Ceremonial Gathering of Women and Men. It was a Ceremony for them to seek life as a Water Protector and an Ogichidaa. There was much preparation, cost and effort to make the Ceremony happen. Elders, Traditional Teachers were all presented with Tobacco for their presence at the Ceremony. Some were presented Tobacco at the Ceremony. The two day Ceremony was intimate gathering with fewer than a hundred people in attendance. So much wisdom present in the two days. The amount of knowledge shared was incredible. Those of us in their presence were so fortunate. 

"Well, God bless your crooked little heart, St. Louis got the best of me. I miss your  broken-China Voice. How I wish you were still here with me."

I remember this guy used social media to announce his Ceremonies/Sweat Lodges. He would write "come if your intentions are good" or something like that. I like that and at the same time question that. Would I not come if  my intentions were not good? I don't even know what that would look like. It feels weird but it's like the saying "prayers up, tobacco down." I guess it's meant to inspire or to acknowledge something? Me, I miss when the Old People would answer a story with "Yoohoo." 

"Well, he gave her a dimestore watch, and a ring made from a spoon. Everyone's looking for someone to blame, when you share my bed, you share my name."
 

Measuring Spiritual Dicks

 When I was a kid, I went to the Fort Alexander Indian Boarding School on our Reserve. The Nuns were the teachers along with the Priest. It was a grand building, three stories and basement floor. I remember we used to tease this guy, "nananana-number 99, na ah." I guess when he stood in line up, this was his number or the person's number next to him. He had a stutter and this was what he said when the kids were in line to go into the Indian boarding school. We did catechism or Catholicism (always thought it was called Categism,  ha funny it isn't) I think everyday. At home as a kid I had four-volume Bible story books. Filled with stories of the Bible along with some drawings to illustrate the story lines. You can say I learned a bit about the Bible stories, along with everyone else in the school. Thing is it doesn't make an expert or even competent in the stories or teachings from Christianity. There is always an "expert" out there in these matters of religious doctrine. They will hit you over the head with how much they know. Meaning you are beneath them and they have a bigger spiritual-dick than you (I actually didn't know there was a spiritual dick term, I thought I made it up based on what I see).

In Anishinaabe circles there is similar things happening with more "Traditional" than you contests. It is like when were young, the guys always bragging about how many girls they "banged" or how big their dicks were. Well that is happening in the Indian tipis today. I like the phrase once used to describe the righteous and the pious sycophants of the various religious houses,  Machi-Anishinaabe.  It's funny we have a guy called Machi-Preacher and another called Machi-Elder. These Machi-individuals are more than others because they proclaim a divinity bestowed on them either by God or the Creator. So they too want to carry the big dick around. 

How do we know who has the biggest spiritual dick anyways? What measuring stick do we use. I guess we can take your word for it. As one person said, "I went to the Real Elders." I imagine there are those who indeed studied under the Gete Anishinaabe Peter O'chiese. Elder O'chiese came a number of times to Manitoba and thought a number of Elders. That is fact and no one can take away from all those who he had shared Ceremony with (Roseau River, Sagkeeng, Black River, to name a few places). I knew a few of those men and women who attended Elder O'Chiese Teaching ceremonies. Many became Knowledge Keepers, Elders, Teachers, Healers and Helpers. I don't think I ever seen them try get into a Spiritual-Dick contest. I imagine it might be due to the Teaching O'Chiese said about living Kindness. One of the gifts Creator gave was to have Kindness. 

I guess showing off how big  your spiritual-dick is doesn't have anything to do with Kindness, but who knows. Maybe slinging your big spiritual dick around is a good thing, but I wonder if it is. 

My dick may be small, but it's the one I have and will use it as much as I can. The small-spiritual-dick may not be smashing anything but what the heck, have fun with it anyways. 

For all you big-spiritual-dick people, can I ask you, does it get heavy carrying all that, doesn't it get tiring being a big-dick? 

Wouldn't it be funny if people started saying, "I can see your spiritual-dick, put it in your pants."

Spiritual Dick - Measuring Is Not A Vibe

The Allure of Comparison:

In a world that often emphasizes external achievements, it's no surprise that this mentality can infiltrate even the most sacred and personal realms of life, including spirituality. The allure of comparison can turn a journey meant for self-discovery and inner peace into a race for who can accumulate the most esoteric knowledge, the longest meditation sessions, or the most profound spiritual experiences.

Ojeenay, Do Bad and Bad will Bad You

 I am not too old, 65 and relatively doing okay. Sure I have the pain in my shoulders and weak hands. I have diabetes, never expected to get that as I'm not a big sugar person. I do however like bread, lots of bread. Maybe it contributed to my sugar being out of whack but who knows. All I know is I lived a pretty long life already. I am curious and wonder about my impending demise. Will I  get dementia and live obliviously to what is going on around me? It could be something for sure. I am kind of excited to know what will happen. Not that I'm welcoming my end of existence but it will come regardless of what I think. Will I be killed in a car accident, going 120 kilometers an hour down a gravel washboard road and I serve onto the side of the ditch hitting a large oak tree or a poplar tree. Or maybe I just get sick with diabetes and start to lose my limbs. First a foot, than more of the leg and then the other leg. So I'm in wheel chair and the wife puts me in a home. I certainly hope not. In any case there are reasons I might have a bad death. 

When you're young you don't have the experience to really understand your stupidity. The stupid, the mean and the ugly things you do. When I was about 18, I was out hunting with some cousins and they were younger than me. We saw a Big Black Bear in a farmers field. It started running away from us. I aimed at it and pulled the trigger. I was using my Dad's old 3030 Winchester model 94. The Bear fell in its tracks. We took off. I killed a Bear with no intent to use it. It was an ugly mean act of pure evil. Killing a Relative, an animal that did no harm to anyone. An animal known for its medicine. I did that. I was told about Bears later on. How a skinned Bear resembles a person. How the Bear carries medicine.  

My Dad always use to speak of Ojeenay. You were never ever to do wrong to animals. You will be punished for doing bad to animals. I broke that rule, that common sense knowledge to do right. I decided in a moment to kill for the sake of killing. Fuck me anyways. No wonder Ojeenay followed me. Maybe it still follows me. I never did apologize for taking the Bear's life. Perhaps I should try and do that, Feast the Bear and ask for it to forgive my ugly act. Maybe it will give me a a task to do, I don't know.  

Last week I was in a situation where a Medicine Woman was available. I had no real reason to go see her, but for about a month or so I had been feeling wrong, my body felt off and it was like a dark blanket was on me. So it was just happenstance that I go the opportunity and did go offer tobacco, gifts and a little money. I also had an ugly incident from a fellow in the Reserve. I also bit into a small piece of ham and didn't I break my teeth. I had a front bridge that was connected to my teeth. The teeth broke off at the roots. So it hurt for a bit, as the nerve was exposed. The Medicine Woman did Ceremony for me. She discovered a person did "Bad Medicine" on me. Same guy who did me ugly in the Reserve. Go figure it was not something I didn't expect. After all the guy is a douche. That's the technical term for him. So I'm not to act against him. Ojeenay will be his future. 

I have done lot to be regretful, ashamed, guilty for and that is for sure. There are also many things I feel good about. Will I ever balance the scales of doing Bad and doing Good? 

I never ever forgot the Bear. His last movements I still see clearly. I do remember everything. 

Will I remember anything as I go meeting my death. 

One of the things is I know the wrong I have done, no amount of scolding from others can cause more harm to me than I harm myself. 

Where Are Your Fucking Receipts

 We are trying to bring a Ceremony to our Reserve, Sagkeeng Anishinaabe Nation. The Ceremony will be for both Women and for Men: Water Protectors ("To be a Water Carrier is to protect water as life itself...") and Ogichidaa ("the word originates from components that suggest growth (Ogi-), greatness (Chi), and Heart/Spirit (-Daa). It represents a person who embodies courage, compassion, and the protection of their people"). Our Reserve has a little more than 9,000 people registered to our Band/Nation. More than half of our Members do not live in the confines of the Reserve. The people who reside in the Reserve are truly blessed to have a community with relatives. The Ceremony we are trying to have is just another block to add to the future of our community. 

Sunday Afternoon
North End Bear Clan
We sure had a wonderful day in the neighborhood! We were able to hand out sandwiches, juice boxes, snacks, sweaters, & smiles. Thank you so much to our amazing, dedicated volunteers & our friends from 190! Stay safe & please look out for one another out there (Facebook)

I am a fan of people who do the work. These folks are volunteers. They go on the streets. They meet with those who are needing help. They speak with people, they listen to people, they help people. This is the work of Protectors, the Ogichidaa. They are the ones who have the "receipts" for what they have done for their community. We need more of these people. The ones who do what is right and walk with kindness. We need to also recognize they are regular people who do live life which includes mistakes, vulnerabilities and shortcomings. Still through it all they want to live a life of doing what is right. Many try. 

There are some who are full of shit. I had the privilege of dealing with a fella in our Reserve. He claims to be "Traditional" and works in the community in that way. What he is trying to say is that he walks the Red Road, a walk of being a good person, a person with respect, humility, compassion, kindness and all what goes with being Traditional. It's akin to being a Christian, a person who believes in the Teaching of the Church or Bible.  A person who "loves thy neighbour." When someone boasts of walking this road, it is not usually meant as a they are kind and to be respected for their Beliefs. In some cases, it is to put you beneath them. Fuck those guys. Show me the fucking receipts. How do you walk when it is not about your pay? Of course there are many, many good people who are employed in a care industry and do make an earning for their work. But to them it doesn't stop at the bell, when it's time to go home. No, they are walking and earning their receipts out in the community outside of their jobs. Good people, helping people, they are. They have been doing this most of their lives. For others, it is performative. Performing an act. They go to bed with the "fooled em' again," as their mantra. The only thing is they are not fooling anyone. We see them, you see them. 

So the bringing of the Water Protector-Ogichidaa Ceremony is not for performance. There are those already being the "Great-Hearted-Ones." They will come take a pledge to continue their way of living. It is just in this Ceremony, they will pledge to themselves and the Creator, in front of witnesses, that they will live a life of being a good community Ambassador. A person who will stand up for the Land, the Water, the Community, the People. 

For the guy/girl who uses the title of Traditionalist or Christian just to try and cloak themselves in respectability, go suck a moo arse. You don't have any receipts to show your are doing the work. 

Murdered Missing Indigenous Women Walk Winnipeg 2026

 February 14 Canadian Women (and men) gather to remember the Many Women who have gone missing or have been murdered. I have gone to some of the walks in the past, decided to go this year. I meet people, relatives, friends  who go to support the families. I see Bernice is still bringing awareness for her girl, Jennifer. There is a feeling of overwhelming sadness but you also see the resilience of the survivors, the families still searching and remembering. I see Sue Caribou still using her voice to bring justice for Tanya. There are many names, and most I don't know anything about. I marvel at those who continue to show up and support. My nieces are there with some of their children to take part in the Remembrance Ceremony and Walk. The hurt is still there and the people are not giving up. Our Reserve has its share of Women who have gone missing and have been murdered. It is disheartening to see small turnout of our community at these Gatherings. I know you can't go to everything that is happening. 

We see you Women who never give up. 

Grand Chief of MKO 

Denise is a long time volunteer 

Canada Bring Conscription

There are 49 countries who have mandatory military service requirements of their citizens. Yeah, we know North Korea and Israel are examples of the ugly face of conscription. Still, there must be some good for people to serve in the country's military (not a question). There was a documentary on the Fifth Estate about the Black kids being taken from Toronto. As you can guess, it's an ugly life for these boys and their parents. I did write about Indian kids should be joining the army. In the post: "The Armed Forces is a way out of the life of slow death. It can give hope to a group of youth that are deemed to fail. Doomed to face a hard short, in many cases violent life. A life of despair, not the good life. The Armed Forces can provide a new lifestyle, not a street lifestyle. It can give them pride. Pride in who they are and what they can be. A view of something other than decay, rot and slow death. A view other than the falsehoods of gang life."  

The notion of being forced into the Army is frightening. You lose your freedom for a specific period of time. For sure this is not what anyone would agree to. I think we have no choice to give away the freedom for a brief moment in the life. The Fifth Estate highlights how society sees the Blacks, the Indians and we are nothing (in their eyes). The only lives that matter are not ours. The military provides an escape from the world which doesn't see or care. Hopefully in the military, you can be part of something, some kind of team. Maybe learn some life skills that can you can carry throughout your life.  Maybe you become to like the army and make it a career. Who knows? 

Would Canada have the guts to introduce mandatory military service? After all, it is only the Global South we expect to have forced military service. Surprise, "go ahead and call the cops, you don't meet nice girls in coffee shops."  Greece, Switzerland, Denmark, United States (yes they still have it, but are not using it, but can at any time), total of 15 countries in Europe, Finland, Norway,  New Zealand does not have mandatory military service.  Canada borders a Wild Boar. "This Wild Boar is an invasive species which destroys: Feral swine (wild pigs, boars, or feral hogs) are a destructive, invasive species that are prevalent in the U.S."  The Wild Boar has no natural predator. "Territorial agencies are actively working together to manage the threat and damage caused by feral swine and to mitigate their impact. This collaboration includes: NATO, NGO's, ICJ. 

Canada in terms of military strength is anemic, like a marsh mellow, the small colourful ones. Not the big fluffy ones, Canada's military is not big, it's small and soft. It's actually still capable of being a military with spirit and some bite. 

In the end maybe having those Brown and Black kids in the army will quiet down those white supremacists who have made the army their home. 

boldeagle@forces.gc.ca