Time to take a dump or get off the pot.

Moaning and groaning all the time about how I messed up with my Son,is not positive. It is time I took a stand. Stop wailing about stuff and do something. If I didn't know better I was exhibiting signs of Munchausen Syndrome. You know where someone pretends or fakes illness for the attention it gets. Well if I wasn't so messed up in my head I would think that I was constantly trying to get attention and garner sympathy. A selfish act as usual. All about me. Well that is how I see thing a lot of the time. There is much more agony in the world that what I experienced. So why in the heck do I feel so alone. Feel the need to let people into my little world? It doesn't make sense. I should be moving on, whatever that means. I mean look at the things and people I have: a caring wife who is my friend and backbone; a beautiful little daughter that is so full of life that it has to be contagious; two grown kids that are working and living their lives; two great grandkids who are my new world. So what is it that makes me want to toil in the darkness, the isolation, the self loathing, the wanting to step off the world? It just doesn't make sense.

So I am going to do something. I am going to organize a two day get together for Survivors of suicide. The idea is to have an outlet for people in the community and the larger community to share their experience. For them to look for some help. To get ideas on where to go to seek help. To look at what is lacking in the community and go forward from there. To do it for people to help themselves. In the larger community there is help out there. Lot of that help is self sustaining. We need to that in the smaller Aboriginal communities.

I contacted an Elder for his thoughts and his help to see if this is an idea that we should take forward and try. He is a very good man, Tabosnakwut (Peter) Kinew. I value his word and would not take it forward if he thought otherwise. I was happy to hear from him right away. I think his knowledge of the Traditions is the key to helping our people.

Well there you have it. I am going to be talking with Peter again and hope to have some concrete ideas. His story is something I have not right to share, but he knows all about the pain that people go through. My brother Donald is going to be looking at venues to where we can hold this gathering. We could have it in the Reserve, but as my brother has said, hurt, grief knows no boundaries. It can happen to anyone and should open to anyone. So I guess attempting to hold the venue in the city of Winnipeg Manitoba, may be good for people.

If you see the news, even the rich are not immune. As two celebrities have lost their children this past week. Sad.

http://lifegard.tripod.com/myths.html

"Suicide loss is the subject of many myths and misconceptions. The greatest of thesesis often voiced by suicidal individuals -- the mistaken belief that no one will care or will be affected by the suicide. Other myths of suicide loss are equally misguided:

Myth 1: There is nothing that anyone could have done to prevent the suicide. - Not all suicides can be prevented because some victims show little sign of their suicidality and others take steps to avoid discovery or rescue. Nonetheless, at some point in the process a timely intervention might have averted the tragic outcome.

Myth 2: In time those affected by the loss of someone to suicide will get over it. - Suicide loss is characterized by a long, severe, and painful grief that may not abate. It certainly takes longer to resolve than grief associated with more "normal" deaths.

Myth 3: Someone who has never experienced a suicide loss can know what it is like. - "I know what you are going through" can only be true if the speaker is also a suicide griever. Those who have never endured trauma can learn to be sensitive to those who have, but this does not result in "feeling" the trauma.

Myth 4: Those who endure a suicide loss are made stronger by it. - Suicide loss shatters personal beliefs, depletes self-esteem, leads to depression, and sometimes to suicide. Recovering from a suicide loss alone is a demanding process. Most who experience it have little energy to do more than survive.

Myth 5: Those who are young when a parent or sibling suicides are spared the pain. - The very young often feel the effect years later when they learn what happened. Children grieve and may have serious problems if it is not acknowledged and supported.

Myth 6: A suicide by an older person doesn't affect others as it does if the victim is young.- The grievers of an elder victim may be told that he/she "was old and going to die anyway." This marginalizes their grief.

Myth 7: Being around others who have had such a loss will just make you feel worse. - Such contact is usually beneficial. It shows that one is not alone. Interacting with other survivors helps "normalize" the loss by demonstrating that one is not alone.

Myth 8: Those around someone who has had a suicide loss shouldn't talk about it. - Ignoring loss is denying loss. It should not be given "the silent treatment." Hurtful or stigmatizing comments about suicide should be avoided, but talking about the loss with a survivor can be very supportive.

Myth 9: Learning about suicide after having a suicide loss will not do any good. - Most who suffer a suicide loss need to know how it came to happen and understand "why."

Myth 10: Stigma is no longer associated with suicide loss. - There may still be hurtful remarks about the victim, what motivated their death, and the grievers' responsibility or knowledge of their intent."

The Bully and the legacy they have to live with.

I went over the University of Winnipeg. I figured what the heck I will give the coordinator of their Aboriginal Governance Program my resume. I don't have much hope but as they say "hope is not a method" anyway. When I was there I took a look at the bulletin boards to see what is going on in the world of Academia. Turns out there are bullies everywhere. There was a posting for a seminar on bullying, to stop bullying.

The bullying thing sure makes me think. When I walked with Pungese on her support of Missing Women Memorial march, she talked about bullies. She said she was bullied a bit at school. I was bullied that I can remember. She said people liked me, I was likeable, and seemed fragile. Fragile? I suppose that's one way to describe it. I say I am sensitive. You know like "in tune with the Earth" and all that stuff. I'm sensitive in a real manly way, not Senseeteeve, like in a fragile way. You know not like Nathan Lane. But Pungese was right. There have been some real bullies in our Reserve. I imagine it's like that in small communities everywhere. I have friends in other Reserves and their community has their share of bullies as well.

I wonder now if the bullies of old ever think back to the hurt they caused? I wonder if they try to reconcile with what they did, or does it haunt them? The other side of the coin is do people ever let it go that they were bullied by these people? Do they (we) keep a harsh view of them through out our lives? Heavy duty questions for a light weight to ponder.

I believe that bullies are not really born but are made. In the Reserve there are limited resources. You can get part of the resources by working for it, you know with merit. You can be favoured into the resources, you know by having a good relationship (get it) with the ruling leadership. Finally you can bully your way into the resources, by being as unruly as you can, so finally your demands are met. I don't believe in the present system that you can reason your way into the resources of the Reserve. However, that is not an excuse for bullies. Tying to get a piece of the small pie is not a valid reason for bullying. Even if it is successful in getting you the head of the line. It's quite funny because Indians,(well most Indians) believe in Onjine or maazhi-bimaadizi; not to lead a bad life or things will come back on you; maazhi-ayi'iin wii-azhegiiwemagadoon agiji.

You know the old saying there is strength in numbers? Well in Reserves family units can be quite large. That is not including extended family, like cousins. In our family for example there were 11 children, with 9 still alive. That is not out of the ordinary, and it is not considered high. Having those big families can be helpful in guarding against bullies. In some cases it could work in favour of the bullies. I recognize different family names from other Reserves in Manitoba and you know they are part of the big families in those Reserves. Big families can also be beneficial in getting favour from the leadership as most likely the leaders are part of the family.

Growing up there were specific bullies in the community. There were the usually bullies you get in school. The ones that thrive on picking on the small or the weaker. There were also bullies that went out to bully the whole community. Beating up people if they felt wronged or wanted something. People that expect the community to give into their wishes. Many a time the community did give into their wants. The leaders of the community made sure they were looked after. When you think of bullies you automatically think of men, but women are also bullies. I know this one lady who beat up her uncle's wife. Beat her real bad at her place of work. I wonder if she ever apologized. Do you apologize for something as bad as beating up a person real bad. I know of this guy who is a big guy and he didn't care who he beat up. Bulling is a such common place in the world that it is accepted (to a point).

I see these people today and wonder if they ever feel regret for how they were. I don't believe they are. If you are rewarded for a certain behaviour what is the incentive to change; there is no incentive to change. Although we learn from our mistakes and we are expected to make mistakes when we are young, it still haunts us. I mean can we forget the hardship it caused on others. Should there be an attempt to make amends? I don't think we can be expected to make amends to every individual hurt, harmed by our actions, but maybe, just maybe we can make a difference by the way we carry ourselves today. I don't know, but at least it is a start. I look at the bullies and don't carry too much contempt for them, but at the same time I do wonder if there is room in their own hearts for guilt, remorse, regret, and contrition.

Today our bullies are coming in the form of the gangs. They are the pariah of the Native community. Yet despite being despised they are the ones that get an audience with the leadership. So what is the incentive to try and be a good person? Our own Spirits are what keeps us reminded to be that good person. At least I hope so.

I got an ace up my hole.

This is a re-cycled post I did on line somewhere but thought I would share it here anyway. You know how it is, re-cycle, re-use and re-post.

I really like using quotes, cliches (idioms) and the colloquial speech. My problem is that I kind of get a little mixed up with my quotes and my cliches. My wife is rotten to the core because she will get me all worked up and that is when I start throwing around all these quotes and cliches. I use them to try and sound smart or to win an argument. I use them to put emphasis on my stories. She baits me into these little spats to see what I will say. It is not until she laughs and repeats what I said that I sometimes get it. Other times I don't know what the heck she is laughing at.

We, my wife and me, were talking about some item in the news that didn't sit right with me, I turned to her and said "I am appalled and sickening" regarding what had took place. Another time I was sitting in a restaurant with a friend and an Elder. We were talking politics, the community and my work situation. I was leaving a job at the time and it was not really a good move on my part. I told the Elder that for my decision "I still have an ace up my hole". I guess looking back that correct cliche could have been I have an ace up my sleeve. Or I have an ace in the hole. I am not sure or which but I now know that it is not up my hole. That poor Elder. His coffee shot out of his nose. He looked like someone poked him the ribs or something. It was kind of embarrassing. Coffee spilled all over him.

In our Reserve there are many sayings people use that are only familiar to the people in our community. I don't know why that is. When I talk to people not from the Reserve they look at me like I am nuts. We say things like "fucker John your moneys gone". I am not sure why that money is gone but it's said by people anyway, even if money is not involved in the situation. Another saying is "your gay as a blade". Not sure what the heck that means but it is used when referring to a stupid person. I never did understand these but people use the words plude and frog to describe genitals. Weird I know. Not sure if it is still used by the younger crowd these days. One saying that I like but is disappearing as it was used by the old folk, is "yo-ho". It is an acknowledgment when someone is talking. It's not a question of what they are saying, but it's like ah-hah, to let them know you are listening intently.

Me I never say Yo-ho, it was the old people that used it. It would be nice if the younger crowd still said that but that's the way it goes. I will continue to use quotes if I can remember them and will mangle cliches, because I like them. So eat "moo" people and remember "the hottest hells are reserved for those in times of great moral crisis, maintain their neutrality".


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qOg_4VGslCk

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6XzkSJPfFEQ&feature=related

A true story in the midst of whole bunch of make believe, lies

One of the things I do like about the way Indians are portrayed in the movies or television is the idea that we are linked to 'spiritual' forces. "Listen to the wind" is a line that Graham Greene said to Val Kilmer in "Thunderheart". Val Kilmer replies what the heck does that mean. It was a show of how Indians are "in-tune" with the world. It worked, I went out and sat around in the back yard for a while trying to hear what the trees were saying. Actually, we spent lots of time in the bush when we were kids. It was nice. I don't do much these days, can't think of the last time I just went for a walk in the bush. Don't think I ever took my little girl for a walk in the bush. But anyway, back to the spiritual thing. There are things we Know and things we believe. I know that there is more to us than what we see, hear and touch here on Earth. There is something else.

There was this great little film called "what the bleep do we know". For the person that is not crazy over the supernatural this is a good 'science' type look at things beyond the physical Earth. I enjoyed this take on the world and the possibilities of being more than what we are. There are things that we don't know about. We can question the heck out of it, or we can just shrug and say "Okay then". I like that, Maanoo (let it be). The film explores the notion of Quantum Physics. I know diddly squat about quantum physics, but I do know that it is either the "science of possibilities" or "bunk". One thing though it makes you think.

I have experienced the supernatural. Yes, I said it. I have "been through the hole-shoelace" (it is a back home saying for those that have 'experience'). I am going to share some experiences on here and at least one of those experiences is true. I won't be sharing any Ceremony experiences, that's just bad form (to steal a phrase from the English).

I once saw a ufo. I was about 9 or 10 years old. There was a trio of lights hovering over at my uncles place. My uncle had an a little caterpillar tractor and the lights were floating over the tractor. I believe there were blue, green and yellow lights rotating in a circle over the tractor. At the time I was sniffing gasoline out of a little can, so I can't be sure if it was an actual ufo sighting.

I was doing some respite work for a Child and Family Agency. I was holed up in a hotel room with this 14 year old that was under care. He was a very trouble kid. He was a friendly guy, but liked to get in trouble with the law. He was a habitual car thief. There some cognitive disability, but I'm no expert on those things. One morning I woke up and was lying in the bed. I looked over at his bed and there was something hovering over him. No it wasn't lights. It is very hard to describe. It was sort of a dark green beast coming out of his midsection. It just hung there over him. I looked and looked. I wasn't scared or anything, just weirded out. I questioned myself if I was really seeing this.

I was about 17 or 18. One morning after I woke up. I looked at my bedroom wall and there was a little man standing on the wall. One of the little people, Memegwesiwak that my Mom and Dad used to talk about. Actually everyone in the Reserve talks about the little ones. This little guy he didn't look Indian, he looked like one of those garden gnomes. He walked across the wall and just faded away. I shook my head like in the movies and wondered if I was awake. I was awake.

One day I was sitting on my couch and looked back and there was a big spider sitting there. It was all black. It disappeared really quickly. It wasn't real but I saw what I saw.

Since we have been hearing about 3D a lot lately, I will tell you my experience with the next dimension, maybe the 5th dimension. I was 18 out drinking. Me and my friend, Merv had run out of beer. We still wanted to get high, so we figured we would sniff some gas. I know stupid and a childish thing to do. Only kids sniffed gas in the Reserve. Well we were sitting in the bush sniffing. I was sniffing away when all of sudden I wasn't there anymore. I was up in the air. I could see me and Merv sitting against some trees sniffing. I was looking at me looking at something, weird. Suddenly I was back in my body again. I said to Merv, "did you see that, I was up in the air". He said he saw it too.

Some girl pissed on my hair. I don't know who she is or who she how she got my hair but she got it. Her doing that caused me to be visited by the Demon. The demon always appeared to me in my dreams and as a woman. She would try to take me away with her. I remember in one contact she was walking down the stairs of our old hockey rink (it burned down years ago and there is a new one now). I could she her in a red dress with sometype of print pattern on the dress. I was scared of her so I ran into one of the dressing rooms. The room was dark and the concrete floor was wet in some areas. She came into the room and came over to me in the corner to hug me. I thought it was going to be an erotic dream, but she started spinning me, and I was fighting to get away. I yelled at her. She said your going to "Hhhhhhhhhhellllllllllll" as we spun in a quick circle. Another time there was this kid sitting in a boat at a beach shore. The boat started to float away. This woman was crying for help. I went out to the boat and was able to pull it to shore. The woman was so thankful that she came to hug me. Again I thought it was going to be dream erotica. But nooooo. She started squeezing me so hard I couldn't breathe, I started trying to get away, but she turned into a big snake trying to squeeze the life out of me.

But there's more. :-D

There is this neat little book by A.C. Ross called "We are all Related". In this book Ross talks a little about the supernatural. He does make comparisons to many religions across the globe and their similarities. I guess that's okay, but I am more interested in his "science" of things. His own experiences with the supernatural and the science behind some ceremonies is pretty cool. If you have the opportunity read the book.

Just got an email from a friend to try EFT Emotional Freedom Techniques. Not sure if it fits here, but just thought I would let you know about it.

It takes nothing to be nice, at least civil or respectful.

My brother has lent me his truck until Thursday, so I am pretty happy. If I am happy why in the heck did I act like a jerk to the police? I gave my daughter-in-law a ride to work this morning. Along our ride, I pulled beside a cop car. There was a woman police officer driving. I stared at her for a long time at the stop light. I don't know why I did this, nothing was in my mind. I guess her partner saw me staring and she looked quickly at me and stared. I kept staring. As the light turned green I got ahead of them and passed into their lane. I turned off onto the street to Brandi's work. The police took a different route and came up to me at a cross street. They must have gone pretty fast to get there. So they pulled behind me and put the lights on. I went a full block before stopping. They put their siren on to get my attention. When the male police officer came up to the car he was polite, while I was not. I said "why'd you stop me? Because I was looking at you?" He said "the registered owner does not have a valid license." "Well, I am not the registered owner," I replied in a snotty attitude way. How the heck would he know who is driving. So he went on to check out my license in the car. I was commenting to Brandi how I am not a fan of the police. The woman police officer came back and informed me that I did not have a valid license. "WHAT!?" I was choked, to say the least. It was real funny. I was 'jarred' because I was acting like an A-hole and this is what it got me. The cops then took their time deciding if they should have the truck towed. The lady cop told me that even driving it into the close by parking lot would have me still breaking the law. I was at their mercy and they had every right to tow the truck. I had no rotten license. I did not re-new the rotten thing in December. I guess I should be glad they stopped me before I got into an accident with no license. Regardless if I would have gotten a break or not, it really showed me something. I always think we should be nice to people and here I was not adhering to what I feel. Doesn't matter that I have resentments towards the police. I should have at least been civil or at the very least respectful. In the end they let me park the truck in the adjacent mall parking lot. I told them I would go over to another mall and go pay for my license at one of the insurance brokers. They agreed. I don't know if they agreed because it was easier for them or they were just being good people. I waited in the truck for about 20 minutes and considered driving over to an insurance place. I decided to walk. Just as I got out of the parking lot onto the street the police drove on by. I guess they waited down the block to see what if I would drive again. Sneaky. :-0

It takes nothing to be nice, but the rewards can be much.

I told my wife about what happened and she had no sympathy for me. I get what I deserve.

You know when I was a kid about 15, there was this one cop, Wyman Sangster,a RCMP officer that took the time to get to know us in the Reserve. He went on to coach our baseball team. He was a pretty good guy. Many of the other RCMP officers were not kind to us in the Reserve. I ran into him a few times as an adult, he is still a pretty friendly fellow.

Equality for all People No! It should be Equity

The Winter Olympics are taking place in Vancouver British Columbia, Canada. It is a sporting event that hosts the best athletes in the world. Theoretically everyone is equal in these games. Everyone should have a chance to win. If all people were equal each of the countries participating would have a chance to win. That is not the case, not everyone is equal. In the world of sports not everything or everyone is equal. The countries with more people, more resources, more venues have an advantage. The athletes with more money can train more. They can devote more of their time to training rather than splitting time with earning a wage. Each country tries to level the playing field by putting money into their athletes efforts. Even at the sporting events the organizers of the games try to get everyone to have a chance at winning. The racing starts are staggered to give people a chance to win. Not all race starts are staggered. The short track speed skating races favour the inside lane. The outside racers have to go and extra distance as they are on the outside of the track. In summer games the race starts have staggered positions in order to compensate for the inequities in the outside lane starts.


That is the nature of the world, not all things are equal. If people tell you that all people are equal, they are mistaken. I find it funny that many people that are saying all people are equal are many times those on top of the food chain. It's like that line in "Animal Farm", "We are all equal but some are more equal than others".

There is a book and documentary out entitled "Guns, Germs and Steel". It puts forth the notion of geographical advantages of Europe in the expansion of the world. These people had the advantage of different elements that gave them advantage over other places and people in the world. It outlines how people are beneficiaries of geography, time, and other elements. Just as this book highlights the benefits for specific regions and people, it denotes that not all are equal.

Conservative folks and the political Right want everything to be equal. Treated equal so there are no favorites. That is a very good notion, but it cannot really happen. It can't happen because we are not equal. What they should be aiming toward is equity. Making the playing field equitable, so everyone has chance. We all don't have the same chance at jobs, at education, at health care, and social status. Our status in life either benefits us or starts us at a disadvantage to the rest of society.

People say we all have the same opportunities to succeed in life. Perhaps that is true, but where we start at is different. So if we had some equity in opportunities that might level the chance to have the same opportunities as everyone else.

Walking with Women.

Tonight I went for a walk. It was a cold walk in downtown Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada.
http://ohnocanada.wordpress.com/2010/02/13/another-dirty-secret/
It is a sad event for many people. For some others it is a something to take part in. In Canada there are about 520 Aboriginal women that have been murdered or gone missing in the last 30 years. Our Reserve is home to some of those missing and murdered girls. Someone's mom, sister, daughter.

I walked in the crowd and was in my own world when to my right was Pungese (means little bit in Ojibway). Her name is Dorothy and we were in the same school as kids; the residential school in Sagkeeng.
Her Sister Bernice is still waiting for her baby Jennifer to come home. Jennifer Catcheway went missing June 19, 2008. http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=28597730796

Pung and I walked in the cold and talked about people we remembered as kids. The smart ones, the tough ones. We joked and laughed as we walked in the memory walk. Life goes on. I teased her about chewing snuff when she was little girl. She denied chewing snuff. I never saw her chewing snuff, but accused her anyway. We talked about our kids, and Bernice's girl Jennifer. I didn't know Jennifer and it has been a lifetime since I had seen Bernice. They moved to the city when they were kids and I didn't see them. Heck I barely remembered Bernice, but I do remember her. As we talked we admitted that there is no way we could ever understand what it is like to have your baby disappear. The longing, the unknown, the hope for something, the hope for life.

The walk made me realize we need to listen, we need to walk, we need to remember all those girls that are missing. After all those missing girls, those ladies have families. Families like you and me.