Ojibway Revelations: Indian Stuff. Not for phoney Indians with zero funny. Important, this could very well be the greatest blog on Indian stuff. Note may not please anal bleached perspectives. So read on Neechies, Blacks, P0C and White folk. Comments appreciated.
Tonight I went for a walk. It was a cold walk in downtown Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada. http://ohnocanada.wordpress.com/2010/02/13/another-dirty-secret/ It is a sad event for many people. For some others it is a something to take part in. In Canada there are about 520 Aboriginal women that have been murdered or gone missing in the last 30 years. Our Reserve is home to some of those missing and murdered girls. Someone's mom, sister, daughter.
I walked in the crowd and was in my own world when to my right was Pungese (means little bit in Ojibway). Her name is Dorothy and we were in the same school as kids; the residential school in Sagkeeng. Her Sister Bernice is still waiting for her baby Jennifer to come home. Jennifer Catcheway went missing June 19, 2008. http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=28597730796
Pung and I walked in the cold and talked about people we remembered as kids. The smart ones, the tough ones. We joked and laughed as we walked in the memory walk. Life goes on. I teased her about chewing snuff when she was little girl. She denied chewing snuff. I never saw her chewing snuff, but accused her anyway. We talked about our kids, and Bernice's girl Jennifer. I didn't know Jennifer and it has been a lifetime since I had seen Bernice. They moved to the city when they were kids and I didn't see them. Heck I barely remembered Bernice, but I do remember her. As we talked we admitted that there is no way we could ever understand what it is like to have your baby disappear. The longing, the unknown, the hope for something, the hope for life.
The walk made me realize we need to listen, we need to walk, we need to remember all those girls that are missing. After all those missing girls, those ladies have families. Families like you and me.
I asked my wife if Shania ever wanted to hook up with me, if that would be okay. My wife said "if Shania ever ever wants to hook up with you, then it will okay with me." My wife is the greatest.
By the way Shania is Ojibway by adoption and raised. So the title is an attempt at being facetious. Shania is more Indian than many of the Indians we see in the news: Ward Churchill, Joseph Boyden for example.
Everyone likes the Indian. They like to be more than the average everyday individual. We want to belong to something bigger than ourselves. That is why we join groups, make affiliations. We are lucky by birth as to who we belong to. I belong to the Ojibway of Sagkeeng. That is so cool.
Some people can only pretend or wish they belong to a certain group. In Germany Karl May made the Indian image famous. So famous that people dreamed of being the Noble Savage. That is okay.
I like Indian art. I used to get the artwork framed at a local frame shop called Fleet Gallery. The owner was Klaus from Germany. He loved Karl May and the image of Indians. He was a bit disappointed at what he found in Canada. He still wanted to hang on to the Karl May image.
There is a television show in Canada called Mix Blessings. It is about a Canadian who marries a Cree Woman. It is a funny show. It airs on the Aboriginal Peoples Television Network APTN. I like this show. The guy doesn't try to be Indian but it shows the differences that he and his wife encounter. One of the episodes explored the German Indian. It was really funny. The German fellow ended up being disgusted with the Indians. He said "I am more Indian than the rest of you." He knew how to build canoes, pitch up a teepee and ate wild meat. He was in love with the Noble Savage.
I am not a noble savage or a stoic Indian. Hell, I don't even look Indian. I still belong to the Ojibway and I am an Indian (although the label Indian is not one most Indigenous people like). No one, no one can take that away. :-)
Everyone likes the Indian. That is, they like the Vanishing Indian, the Stoic Indian, the fantasy book Indian, the Hollywood Indian. They just don't like the real life Indian.
There is a story from a Reserve in Ontario. The Band was doing road work and putting in an asphalt paved roadway in the community. While widening the roadway, one of the machine operators dug out a large rock. So they put it on the side of the road in front of a person's house. The rock sat practically in the yard. The owner of the house liked the aesthetics of the rock, so he asked the road crew to leave it in his yard. As it turned out as the road work continued and completed, other people complained that they didn't get a rock in their yard as well.
Here we have an example of one aspect of the Indian factor, the "I don't have one", jealousy of each other. Indians are not only jealous of what you got, but of who you know, what you are doing, what kind of job you have, what family you come from and what Spiritual path you follow. I know jealousy is common to all segments of society, not just the Indian. So jealousy alone does not make up the Indian Factor.
You know it's hard to be critical of people you love. We don't like it when other segments of society criticize us, so why would we accept it when our own people are putting us down? It's a hard thing, but that it is also another portion of the Indian factor. We seem to be most critical of our own. If there is some Indian in the news or has made something of themselves, we are quick to look for tarnish in their armour. All of us are like that. In most instances it's not automatic to say "good for them." It's work to think that way, but it is worth it to feel good for someone else, even if it is work.
A friend of mine has sure had some bad luck, mishaps in his life and it has taken a toll on his body. He has been deemed disabled and is on the Welfare roll for not being able to work. It's strange and funny what happened after he was put on permanent disability. Some young men in the Reserve said "you got it made." My friend laughed at how absurd it is and how we are oblivious to how far we have fallen. To take joy in the fact that the Welfare cheque will increase by one hundred dollars. My brother is one of those people that is disabled. He continues to try and work when there is work to be had. He doesn't like being sick but it's something that he must live with. My friend expressed the same sentiment; he would rather be healthy than living on Welfare. Of course that is not the overall sentiment of the Indian population. However, with the situation on Reserves and inner-cities, the options for the poor and the uneducated are not too plentiful. We gravitate to what we know. If all we know is poverty, crime, alcohol, gambling, fighting, what are we going to be pulled or pushed to?
There have been some business ventures in our community, the Indigenous community which continue to succeed but many have not been able to survive the Indian factor. We want to support Indian's but yet we somehow end up finding reasons not to support each other. When there is a business in the Reserve some fellow Christian or Traditionalist, will come up to a cousin and say "I won't spend a penny in your place." That is the mindset of people that are hurting and need to get into a better place. Better place in terms of our thinking and of course our Spirits. It is not enough to say good things, we need to believe in good things. Like how beautiful, how resilient our people are. How generous we are and how kind our hearts are. I love part of the Indian factor, the Spirit of our people. We know what our pains are and we are battling those pains. We continue to do right by our people. We have a lot of things to do to continue healing our Spirits but we are slowly and consistently battling. That is what I like about Indians, we love other Indians. Come to a ceremony and people will help you. Of course there are some exceptions where people want to play the role of leader and know everything, but that is okay too. People will help you. Even in your darkest hour there are people thinking of you. I remember talking to this lady in the Reserve, Lorraine. Her mother was very sick in the hospital at the same time when my Mom was in the hospital. Even though this lady Margaret was very ill and terminal, she was concerned that she was taking up a bed in the hospital where my Mom could have. My Mom did have her own bed in the hospital and that is the Indian factor, caring for others. My Mom was worried about her kids, her relatives while she was dying. She told her kids to not hang out in the kitchen area, while her Wake was going on. She wanted her kids to make sure to feed people and make them feel welcome. The Indian factor. The Indian factor has elements that touch all people. All people can come together and be kind. It doesn't seem to be happening much these days with all the talk of war, bad economy, natural disasters, religious differences, global warming and all the other harsh things going on. We can only take care of our own little worlds.
It is true, Indians are the biggest bigots of our own people. We call down each other with the best of them. We are jealous of the new shirt that he is wearing. We don't like it that our friendship is not exclusive to us. We want to have the better looking toys. We are hurting so they must hurt as well.
The Indian factor has all that negative thinking and living but it also encompasses all that is good in people. The Indian factor is a contradiction; we don't like each other but we really like each other. Strange, I know.
With the Indian factor you will get told if you are doing good and when you are doing wrong.
This fellow, a Traditional Teacher/Elder once commented about a colleague and friend of mine that "she has no Spirituality, what-so-ever." Now that is a pretty condemning statement. I, for one would not want to be the judge of who is Spiritual or not. I also don't think we need to try and be Spiritual. My friend, cousin, Teacher once told me this story about a Teaching from Peter O'Chiese. Mr. O'Chiese was a very respected and knowledgeable Elder. This White woman sought him out at a Pipe Ceremony in the City of Winnipeg, Manitoba. The woman went up to speak with Peter. She started off by saying that she was having a difficult time with her Spirituality. "Stop" was what Peter said. "You already know how to be a Spirit, it is learning to be a Human Being, is where we need work." You see people are already Spirits. You are Spirits before you become into this world and go back to being Spirits when you leave this world. That's why it seems that very young children still have that connection to the Spirit world. They can see and hear the other Spirits; you know their imaginary friends, but I digress (I kind of like that saying).
People are confused about their Spirituality. They believe if they pray, follow the rules set out in some Religious dogma, it means they are Spiritual. If they spout Religious doctrine or refer to themselves as followers of: Christian, Islam, Judaism, Hinduism, Buddhism, or whatever, then they are of a Spiritual nature. With a Spiritual affiliation, they can now use it as a moral shield or moral spear. That becomes the nature of following the rules or "Teachings" of a Religion or quasi-Spiritual calling, you can claim to be more than just a regular person. For some strange reason we give those people that weight of moral superiority. We acknowledge them as if they are superior to us. Superior in their integrity, virtue or in their following of social norms, customs, and faith. We think they are somehow closer to being next to the Special entity, God,Creator or whatever. Their words or their prayers carry more weight to God or whomever, than us 'regular' people. We view them with a sense of reverence. If we dare to question their word or their behaviour, then we are the ones with a moral deficiency. The people with a public relationship with the Spiritual calling or an official attachment or role in their respective Religious group, believe that they are in fact superior to us, regular folk.
With both our expectations of the follower of Religion and their own expectations, it is a hard station to live up to. Our naive belief that people are morally superior if they follow Religion (regardless of what religion or Spiritual path) is not fair. Our judgment can be harsh if we do not believe they are living up the conditions as a religious person. If the religious person has character flaws, we are quick to jump on them with cries of hypocrisy. We see them and all that are similar to them as hypocrites, and phony. They themselves, the public follower of religion, have put themselves in a difficult situation. If they as a human being make some type of mistake, they fall short of being next to God. They fall short of what they think people expect them to be. Either way it's hard to be religious. Although there are some out there that have no expectations either way.
This is where I think the battle between Spirituality and Character take place. We believe or think that people who are religious are beyond mistakes. We view them as bound by conduct that even the Saintly might not measure up. We put all sorts of limitations as to what they can do and how they must behave. Who are we to put limitations on human beings, just because they openly follow a certain faith path? If a person is a Pipe Carrier, we expect him or her to be a higher quality person. If a person is a preacher, we expect that person to be beyond reproach (what the heck does that mean?). If a person is a regular church going bible thumper, a tent revival singer, or a church lady, we want them to measure up to certain standards of decorum (Again what's with these words?). We don't want to see them having a beer in the local pub. We don't want to see them spitting on the ground. We don't want to see them talking about other people in a negative way. We don't expect them to behave like a regular person; losing their temper, being greedy for money and material goods, being a bad parent and all the other pitfalls that human beings struggle with. Many of us are quick to attack those who openly state they are religious or spiritual practitioners. We judge without mercy. We say they are suppose to act a certain way. We will not give them any benefit of doubt when they do or say something.
People have it wrong, your Spirituality and your character are two separate things. Your character is who you are. Your Spirituality is what you want to be (trying to get back to). They have a role in each other but are separate. Like a hand and a glove. Just because you may be an Arsehole does not mean that you do not believe in your Spiritual path or your God. People are quick to say "how can that guy be a Pipe Carrier he drinks beer." Big hairy deal that someone drinks beer. It is a social convention that drinking is a bad thing. If you drink you are a bad Christian, a bad Jew, a bad Muslim or a bad Traditionalist. Does it mean your beliefs are less than some else? Or as the Fellow said, does it mean you have no Spirituality? Maybe you stare a little too long at the opposite sex. Maybe you make jokes or post pictures which can be hurtful or sexual. It is true you should know better.
What I am saying is that we should hold off on our criticism of the Holy Roller, the Pow-wow drummer/Sweat-hog, the one life only Buddha , the pork eating Jew, the burka-less Muslim, and the beardless, turban-less Sikh. Who are we to measure people? Who are we to put them up on a pedestal and kick it out from under their feet? Who the heck our we to judge someone else's Spirituality? We don't know what is in their hearts or what they believe. We can only see what they are like, not what they believe. If they are not living up to some set of made up standards, who are we to say they don't measure up? I guess I do not want to be that person that says she and he has no Spirituality. I will say if someone is an Arsehole, but that is their character. Even Arseholes have the ability to pray. So we know they are failing in their path to "salvation" or "walking softly on Mother Earth".
From my experience it seems like that people who jump to criticize the most are the people who profess to be of a religious affiliation. The most hypocritical.
We are fierce when we guard our belief systems. No matter what our belief system is. There are some interesting views out there, some old, very old and some new.
I am of the opinion that comparing our belief system to others is not a positive exercise. There are comparisons between Religious beliefs. There is a tendency to measure against the most popular belief systems in order to confirm or legitimize our own beliefs. I put forth my belief that we are all aiming for the same thing. At the end of the day, whether our character is full of flaws or a non-believer in any type of spiritual belief we want the same thing; we want to have a good life, whatever that good life means to us.
You know I was pretty lucky in some ways. I got to listen to this old Lady talk about NanaBooshoo. It is interesting about the ways of NanaBooshoo; he was a Spirit but also a human being. He had power and he had flaws; the power that Creator gave him and the flaws that comes with being a Man. Imagine that. So in his travels he did some pretty crazy things. That is what we need to know, that even the most Spiritual being that was on Earth made mistakes. So how can we be so quick to put down a person of religious or Spiritual recognition for their human mistakes?
Let's just face it, some people are just mean. No amount of Halleljuahs, five a day eastern facing prayers, baptisms, Sweat lodge rocks are going to help them. Regardless of their love for God, Creator Allah Budha, they are just pure Asreholes.
That is the bottom line, it's just me and god, if there is a god.
Roseau River First Nation, Manitoba Canada. Youth Violence/Youth Suicide and Community Economic Hardship are devastating first nations and native americans on turtle island. more young people are turning to the warrior societies. they need more than empty promises, they want action, they need solutions.
On July 23rd/24th/25th/2010 Warrior Societies from all over North America will gather to give first hand information on the goals and objectives of thier organizations.
Various chapters of the American Indian Movement, Anishinabe 0-kii-ji-da Warrior, the Mohawk Warrior Society, the Lonefighters Warrior Society, the Cree Warrior Society, the Dakota Warrior Society,the Edmonton O-Gitcha-Da Warrior Society, the Thunder Bay Warrior Society,the Miq Mak Warrior Society,the B.C Warrior Society and the Native Youth Movement and Native Organizations have expressed interest.
Everybody is invited to this Gathering, we have sent tobacco to all of the people This is the largest of Warrior Societies Gathering.
TOPICS : Missing and Murdered First Nation Women Missing and Murdered Native American Women Community Economic Hardship Youth Siucides Community Violence Sovereignty Rights, Treaty Rights, Land Claims Drugs and Alcohol in your communiites Child Abuse Youth Violence
for more info: contact Derek Cassidy at 204-209-0073 e-mail address d_cassidy09@hotmail.com e-mail address forever.wind@yahoo.ca or leave message at 204-427-2312
this gathering will take place @ the powwow grounds, so if you have teepees, bring them..there lots of camping room. there will be a feast @ 6 pm
In Canada the Treaty Indians (also known as Status Indians) are represented nationally by the Assembly of First Nation (AFN). I believe they are our National political voice. At the regional level we have the Assembly of Manitoba Chiefs (AMC)that is suppose to represent the Treaty Indians; 63 Reserves in Manitoba. There are also two political groups that represent the north and south; the Manitoba Keewatinowi Okimakanak Inc (MKO) and the Southern Chiefs Organization (SCO). Each of these organizations are political voices of the Treaty-Status Indian. A number of the 63 Reserves in Manitoba belong to Tribal Councils. These Tribal Councils (Dakota Ojibway Tribal Council-DOTC;Interlake Reserves Tribal Councils-IRTC; Island Lake Tribal Council-ILTC;Southeast Resource Development Council-SRDC; Swampy Cree Tribal Council-SCTC; West Region Tribal Council-WRTC) are entities that lend a bigger voice for some of the smaller communities. There is also the economies of scale factor with service delivery of programs and services. Being larger can keep costs down for administration in small communities. Some of the larger Bands (Eight of the bigger populations) have opted out of Tribal Councils and are considered Independent Bands. That is they are independent of Tribal Councils. The Bands are further divided into Treaty Groups. Right now the Bands have not organized into political Treaty specific groups, with the exception of Treaty One. In Alberta the Aboriginal political groups are set up as Treaty areas, i.e. Treaty Seven.
The political groups are elected positions, with the exception of the Tribal Councils. All of the national and regional organizations are elected by the Chiefs of the Reserves. The general Aboriginal population does not have a role in the election of these political agencies. The titles of the Elected officials is Grand-Chief. With the AFN there is also a Vice-Chief elected to each province. The Vice-Chief for AFN is elected again by each regions (Province) Chiefs. That sure makes for a lot of political representation. With so many political representation it should be easy for the average Treaty Indian to have his or her voice heard. I have only once sought an audience with one of the many political groups. I was told that they do not handle personal issues. So if I want my voice to be heard I am to turn to the Provincial government Members of the Legislature (MLA) for my area. The MLA's represent all Manitobans regardless of their issue. MLA's are elected by the general population of Manitoba. As a side note there are three Aboriginal MLA's in Manitoba. I could also turn to the Chief of our community. The Chief of each Reserve is elected by their membership. In many cases both the on-Reserve population and the off-Reserve population (people who have moved off the Reserve to towns, cities or other Reserves)take part in election of Chief and Council. In other jurisdictions there maybe hereditary positions. Most if not all in Manitoba have some sort of election process, be it Traditional Custom or Department of Indian and Northern Affairs format. There is one Reserve that has a Chief for life system (really weird situation in that small Reserve). Weird because of who controls the Band registration and the bloodline discrepancy of the Chief's family (but that is all speculation on other people's part).
There are a number of other Aboriginal groups that are quasi-political representatives of Indians and Metis people in Manitoba. It becomes clouded as to who they represent and where their mandate comes from. There is the Aboriginal Council of Winnipeg(ACW). They say they represent all Aboriginal in Winnipeg. There is the Manitoba Metis Federation (MMF) which represents the Metis or Non-status Indians in Manitoba. There is the Mothers of Red Nations (MORN)an Aboriginal advocacy/political voice for women. There is a national body for Aboriginal called the Native Women's Association of Canada (NWAC). Not finally but another National group that reports to represent Indians across Canada is the Congress of Aboriginal Peoples (CAP). On a side note the last National Chief of CAP, Patrick Brazeau was appointed to the Canadian Senate. CAP refers to their leader as National Chief as opposed to Grand Chief.
I think with all these Grand Chiefs, National Chiefs, and Presidents that the Aboriginal population is well represented and they would have a loud voice. I am not sure of how effective these voices are, or even if they are needed. I would hope that their track record is very good at fulfilling their mandate (whatever it is), but I have some skepticism as to the effectiveness of these organizations.
There are three Grand Chief organizations in Manitoba, the AMC, SCO and MKO. Is there really a need for three political voices. Sure there are a number of political and quasi-political governments in the mainstream system: Federal, Provincial, Municipal (Cities, towns, villages, etc.). There is a bit of difference in this situation where these mainstream governments do administer over people. In the case of the Chief organizations, they have no people and capital to administer. They are suppose to be political advocates for the Chiefs. That is part of their problem, the Chief entities are not sure of their own roles. They have now become service providers of programs and services. This is a problem. It takes the funds away from the communities and puts the funds into an entity that is purely political. There is also the problem of overlap. Each organization doing the same action as the other organizations. Another problem is with saturation, there is the weakening of the voice. With these many voices speaking on behalf of the Chiefs (or the Aboriginal population) which voice is the voice of authority. Which voice is of most value? The Grand Chief organizations are taking over the roles that Tribal Councils were set up for. The Tribal Councils are meant to be a united voice for a number of Bands that are either geographically linked, Culturally linked or politically linked. The Tribal Councils also realize economies of scale as service providers. They can have one worker or office to administer finances, education, counselling, capital projects, social programs, economic development, etc. With the Grand Chief organizations they are trying to justify their existence so they move into these areas of service providers.
The biggest and oldest problem that these agencies face and cause is the "divide and conquer" phenomenon. With so many voices, who does the talking? If you don't like who is talking, just go to another voice. The main issue for Indians stem from the interpretation of the Treaties. The Federal government and the Canadian public (and other Governments in Canada)is who the Grand Chiefs need to speak to about the Treaties and issues. If the Federal government and Canadian public don't like what is being said by the Grand Chief, they can move on down the line to another Grand Chief, until they like what they hear.
The other problem faced by these Aboriginal political voices is the issue of who feeds them. These agencies are funded through monies that flow from the government. All governments, in mainstream and in the Aboriginal community say that there is not enough money to work with. In this case the Aboriginal political agencies try to gain more funds by applying to become service providers. These funds for service provision could be best used by Tribal Councils and independent Bands. Instead the funds go to a political organization. Politics is all about getting back into office. How do you get back in office? By promises, and favours. Sometimes you get into office by being effective at your job. Realistically that is not always what takes place. So there you have it. The other issue with being fed, is that the food provider can take away food if it doesn't like what you are saying. Talk too loud or too strong and your food gets taken away.
The Aboriginal voice is stammering. The reason it is stammering is because it does not know what to say and who is to say it. We need to be clear in our voice. With all these voices, there is no clear message. Instead it becomes a competition among themselves. That competitive energy could be better used to listen to the people and give a united strong voice.
Well I went and got some blood work done today. This is the third time I have blood tests that I can remember. The first time I had blood taken was in about 1985. I was sent by a dentist as I was to be put under for a compact wisdom tooth extraction. When I went for my blood tests. I went to the local hospital in Pine Falls, Manitoba. The lab tech had me sitting in a chair. The chair had an arm that moved to the front of the body of the person sitting in the chair. I guess it's there for you rest your arm in front of your body. As the technician was taking blood I glanced over at the vial. The vial was filling with blood at an incredible fast pace. The blood flowed in the vial quickly, so quickly that blood looked like it was swirling. At the point I passed out. Right out. Like I was hit with a brick. I woke up still sitting in the chair. Thank goodness for the arm rest. It stopped me from sliding onto the floor. The lab tech asked me what happened. He said, "Your colour is coming back, one minute you were fine and than you just fainted." I looked over at my arm and there was another vial being filled. I fainted again. At this point, the lab tech had a nurse set me up in an adjacent room. I laid there for a while.
The next time I went was about a year or two ago. I went got blood letted. I didn't look at the vial. I was fine. Today I went for blood work again. My doctor had sent me a while ago but I kept putting it off. My wife made me go. At this lab, the space is small and there is absolutely no privacy. My name was called and I went gallantly into the blood work room. There were all sorts of posters, photocopies of funnies and other pictures to distract you from what is going on in your arm. Well, the young pretty and tall nurse started to take my blood. She said there will be a pinch and that will be about it. I felt the pinch for a Milli-second and then she would reach across my body and pick up a vial. There was a whole bunch of vials in a tray. The chair was the same type I had sat in before. A safety arm to protect the weak. Well the blood removal went without a hitch. I was fine. She asked me to hold a piece of cotton swab on my arm for a while. At this time, things seemed kind of weird. I was feeling a little off. I started to feel a little nauseous, but no big deal. I have felt that way before. I started to daydream, next thing I know, it feels like I am drowning, can't breathe or something, my body is moving like mad. I am waking up from a bad dream. It is a terrifying feeling, I don't know how to describe it. I feel like my body is leaving or I am stuck somewhere, like I can't get out. I don't know if I can breathe or not. Way in the background, I can hear a voice far on the outside of this tunnel. "Are you okay?" "No, I say". I don't know if I voiced this or it is in my mind. I didn't know where the heck I was or what was happening. I can see the nurse and she says do you have seizers. I say no. "You are having seizure". "No" I say. Next thing I know they are putting a wet cloth on the back of my neck and are trying to get me to drink some cool water. They get me to lay down in an adjacent room. After a while I get up and have to give a urine sample to end the lab trip. I courageously look at the people in the waiting room as I leave the lab.
I called my wife and she told me that my trip to donate blood will be cancelled. My wife is one of those people that donates blood regularly. I have told her that I should do it as well. Today I am reconsidering my charitable efforts.
I am a lucky person. I get to go to receive medical treatment, tests and advice. Lot of people in our country don't do that. Lot of people have to leave their communities to get medical treatment. Our Reserve is one of those that has a hospital in the near by town. There is even a doctor in our medical centre on Reserve. Lot of Reserves don't have the benefit of those services. I can't imagine how bad it can be in the U.S. Specifically for those without insurance.
In any case I made things exciting for the lab and gave my wife a few chuckles. I blamed my wife for my episode at the lab.