Thursday, October 6, 2011
When your feelings don't match your mind.
I have been on Citalopram for almost six years now. ("Other side effects, such as increased apathy and emotional flattening, may be caused by the decrease in dopamine release that is associated with increased serotonin. Citalopram is also a mild antihistamine, which may be responsible for some of its sedating properties." )
I guess I started on anti-depressant to help me with my depression. Although I could not admit to being depressed at the time. I knew I needed to get out of the deep hole I was in all the time. Everything was so difficult. All I wanted to do was stop. Stop everything, stop breathing, stop thinking, stop existing. So going the citalopram seemed like something to do. Going to a doctor was a chore.
But things are not as bleak as I once felt they were. I genuinely have fun when I am with the Grankids. I think about them all the time. I also feel the fear in me, when I think about them and the loss of my Boy. I am afraid of the damage that could happen to them.
The last couple of weeks have seen some accidents. The kids have been getting bumps and lumps. Suz says its normal for active kids to get some bumps. I know I know that is true. A couple of weeks ago, I asked Amelia, my granddaugther to get her jacket, which was on the back of one of the chairs in the dining area. She is four. Jackson, her brother, who is two, ran for her coat. Jacks shoes were on the floor in front of the chair so he tripped and fell on the chair. His face hit the chair. The chair is wooden. He fell and screamed, jumped up and ran over to me. It was awful. He had a big bruise under his eye, which latter turned into a black eye. And then two days ago, I had them playing at central park, downtown. I go there to wait for Suz to get off work and the inner-city park has been fixed up pretty nice. Jack was running and another boy ran into him. He was crying and standing by the mom of the other boy, she was trying to comfort both boys, when all of sudden Jack just fell over and banged his head on the cement. He has a very huge scrape on the side of his face. And yesterday, I was at Canadian Tire, a hardware type store, looking for oil. I had both Amelia and Jack sitting inside a cart. I was at the counter asking for some assistance in looking for an oil filter. When I turned to move, I moved the cart with me. Amelia was standing in the cart reaching for something on the counter. The movement of the cart got her off balance and she fell face first onto the ceramic floor. The ceramic covers concrete. She laid still and did not move. I had seen it all because I was right there; the side of her head hitting the floor, the sound it made and her hair covering her face. I swore and picked her up. She started crying. I took her to the car and then went to her Dad's home. She was very quiet and wanted to sleep, not saying anything and looking dazed. I took her to a Walk-in Clinic to have the doctor look at her. As time went on she became more talkative and more like herself. Her Mom and Dad were there, so I left. She is all-right.
The thing that really bothers me, is that my emotions don't match what goes on in my head. In my head I am crazy with fear, with hurt, with pain about what has happened. But my emotions don't feel the same. It is really strange. It is like I am numb in my heart. But it's not that. The pain is mixed up. Lot of anger in there, but the sorrow is some how blocked. I could not feel right all night and today. I am messed up over what is going on. I feel fear and am scared to have anything happen to my family. Yet, my feelings seem all messed up. I see pain on others, but it doesn't register in my own body. It's like I am watching pain, but not feeling it. So that really scares me. There have been many instances where I see hurt and it doesn't register with me. In my head it is there, but not in the emotions.It's like I have a "stone heart".
Other things that happen are in my dreams. They are so vivid. Like being there. The dreams are so real and many times disturbing. And every single night I dream. Sometimes I wonder about what is happening in my head. The doctor says I will most likely be on the pills for my lifetime. I used to stop taking the pills and my emotions would return, but mostly anger, and things would feel weird. Like turning my head but the vision takes time to catch up, but not exactly like that. Difficult to explain.
I guess I am just trying to get away from feeling so awful for my grankids and my kids. It's like the black cloud is following me and is some-how starting to follow those around me. Most days I have a hard time liking myself, but lately I loathe who I am.
I guess I started on anti-depressant to help me with my depression. Although I could not admit to being depressed at the time. I knew I needed to get out of the deep hole I was in all the time. Everything was so difficult. All I wanted to do was stop. Stop everything, stop breathing, stop thinking, stop existing. So going the citalopram seemed like something to do. Going to a doctor was a chore.
But things are not as bleak as I once felt they were. I genuinely have fun when I am with the Grankids. I think about them all the time. I also feel the fear in me, when I think about them and the loss of my Boy. I am afraid of the damage that could happen to them.
The last couple of weeks have seen some accidents. The kids have been getting bumps and lumps. Suz says its normal for active kids to get some bumps. I know I know that is true. A couple of weeks ago, I asked Amelia, my granddaugther to get her jacket, which was on the back of one of the chairs in the dining area. She is four. Jackson, her brother, who is two, ran for her coat. Jacks shoes were on the floor in front of the chair so he tripped and fell on the chair. His face hit the chair. The chair is wooden. He fell and screamed, jumped up and ran over to me. It was awful. He had a big bruise under his eye, which latter turned into a black eye. And then two days ago, I had them playing at central park, downtown. I go there to wait for Suz to get off work and the inner-city park has been fixed up pretty nice. Jack was running and another boy ran into him. He was crying and standing by the mom of the other boy, she was trying to comfort both boys, when all of sudden Jack just fell over and banged his head on the cement. He has a very huge scrape on the side of his face. And yesterday, I was at Canadian Tire, a hardware type store, looking for oil. I had both Amelia and Jack sitting inside a cart. I was at the counter asking for some assistance in looking for an oil filter. When I turned to move, I moved the cart with me. Amelia was standing in the cart reaching for something on the counter. The movement of the cart got her off balance and she fell face first onto the ceramic floor. The ceramic covers concrete. She laid still and did not move. I had seen it all because I was right there; the side of her head hitting the floor, the sound it made and her hair covering her face. I swore and picked her up. She started crying. I took her to the car and then went to her Dad's home. She was very quiet and wanted to sleep, not saying anything and looking dazed. I took her to a Walk-in Clinic to have the doctor look at her. As time went on she became more talkative and more like herself. Her Mom and Dad were there, so I left. She is all-right.
The thing that really bothers me, is that my emotions don't match what goes on in my head. In my head I am crazy with fear, with hurt, with pain about what has happened. But my emotions don't feel the same. It is really strange. It is like I am numb in my heart. But it's not that. The pain is mixed up. Lot of anger in there, but the sorrow is some how blocked. I could not feel right all night and today. I am messed up over what is going on. I feel fear and am scared to have anything happen to my family. Yet, my feelings seem all messed up. I see pain on others, but it doesn't register in my own body. It's like I am watching pain, but not feeling it. So that really scares me. There have been many instances where I see hurt and it doesn't register with me. In my head it is there, but not in the emotions.It's like I have a "stone heart".
Other things that happen are in my dreams. They are so vivid. Like being there. The dreams are so real and many times disturbing. And every single night I dream. Sometimes I wonder about what is happening in my head. The doctor says I will most likely be on the pills for my lifetime. I used to stop taking the pills and my emotions would return, but mostly anger, and things would feel weird. Like turning my head but the vision takes time to catch up, but not exactly like that. Difficult to explain.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Road Kill (& other stuff)
Yesterday I went to visit my Dad in the Reserve. I noticed a heck of a lot of dead animals by the highway. I figured I would share some of what I saw on the trip. The trip is not that long. Sagkeeng is about 150 kilometers from the City of Winnipeg on Highway 59 north. I didn't take pictures of all the animals I saw on the road, but that's okay.
I was thinking about hosting another blog site entitled Road Kill (& other commentary). This site would be about crap. (No not the stuff you see in your toilet bowl after you have had a mean one. And why do they call it a mean one? And who says they don't turn around a look after the deed is done? Me, I check every single time. I want to keep a mental inventory of what goes out. I try to compare with what comes in and what makes it out. I even thought of doing a blog about that. Take pictures after every construction period and call it something like Crap & other nasty stuff in the world. I know you guys have "code words" for your bowel movements, everyone does. I call it construction. My wife says "I don't want to know". I even tell her about "maintenance". You know, when you have some remnants of construction that it kind of bugs you or hurts when you are out and about. So I say, "I got to go and do some maintenance", in other words, wipe my bum. My wife hates that I share everything with her. With this blog I would do commentary on the shit that is happening all over, not just in Indian country. Like people getting all bent out of shape over driving in the city. Or politicians getting got with someone of the same gender, I mean who gives a crap?) The Road kill site would be a commentary on the highs and lows of society: road kill. The political environment, and other road kill nonsense. But I don't think I will. I am not sure if I could stomach researching about all the negative stuff in society. It's hard enough just keeping my mind sane with what goes on in Indian country or even what goes on in my community.
So I think I will stay with confessing my little sins on this site. After all, who says I can't (or haven't been) posting crap on here.
Good driving folks.
Poor animals. I guess they come close to the road in the evenings. The road stays a little warmer and maybe that is attractive to bugs, animals. So cars come along and bash their little heads in and smash up all the little bones. Destructive those vehicles. Do you ever wonder how many millions or billions of bugs are killed by cars? The amount of butterflies and bees that are smashed? No wonder there is now a bee shortage.
I was thinking about hosting another blog site entitled Road Kill (& other commentary). This site would be about crap. (No not the stuff you see in your toilet bowl after you have had a mean one. And why do they call it a mean one? And who says they don't turn around a look after the deed is done? Me, I check every single time. I want to keep a mental inventory of what goes out. I try to compare with what comes in and what makes it out. I even thought of doing a blog about that. Take pictures after every construction period and call it something like Crap & other nasty stuff in the world. I know you guys have "code words" for your bowel movements, everyone does. I call it construction. My wife says "I don't want to know". I even tell her about "maintenance". You know, when you have some remnants of construction that it kind of bugs you or hurts when you are out and about. So I say, "I got to go and do some maintenance", in other words, wipe my bum. My wife hates that I share everything with her. With this blog I would do commentary on the shit that is happening all over, not just in Indian country. Like people getting all bent out of shape over driving in the city. Or politicians getting got with someone of the same gender, I mean who gives a crap?) The Road kill site would be a commentary on the highs and lows of society: road kill. The political environment, and other road kill nonsense. But I don't think I will. I am not sure if I could stomach researching about all the negative stuff in society. It's hard enough just keeping my mind sane with what goes on in Indian country or even what goes on in my community.
So I think I will stay with confessing my little sins on this site. After all, who says I can't (or haven't been) posting crap on here.
Good driving folks.
Poor animals. I guess they come close to the road in the evenings. The road stays a little warmer and maybe that is attractive to bugs, animals. So cars come along and bash their little heads in and smash up all the little bones. Destructive those vehicles. Do you ever wonder how many millions or billions of bugs are killed by cars? The amount of butterflies and bees that are smashed? No wonder there is now a bee shortage.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
INDOCTRINATION the answer for Native Peoples
in·doc·tri·nate
1. to instruct in a doctrine, principle, ideology, etc., especially to imbue with a specific partisan or biased belief or point of view.
2. to teach or inculcate.
3. to imbue with learning.
When you hear about indoctrination you tend to think in negative terms. Like a cult or about fundamentalists or even extremists. Lot of that thinking may be influenced by media, but that's another topic. I believe that indoctrination serves a purpose and can be beneficial to society.
I realize the aim in many people's mind is to be of one race, the Human Race. Let us all get along and be at Peace. That is not going to ever happen. Our differences is what life is about (whether good or bad).
I really like that I am different and part of a group. I am Anishinaabe, Sagkeeng born and raised, a man, a Dad, a Son, an uncle, a granddad, a cousin, a Baby boomer, and a good friend to some. It is who I am. That is what indoctrination is really about, defining us.
The Governments of Canada and the United States attempted to change the identity of many Natives (and other peoples; Blacks, Chinese, Latino, etc) to be something different than who they are. In many instances the indoctrination attempts did not work well. The indoctrination didn't work for a variety of reasons. The main reason being that in their attempt to change the person, they first knocked down, who they are. That didn't make sense in the people's minds. So the result was a mixed message. Be this person because the person who you are is no damn good. Most people don't want think of their Being as no damn good. They want to feel good about themselves, not feel bad about who they are.
That is why indoctrination should be about what is good and great about who you are. For Native people, Indians, it is all about feeling good about being Native, being Indian. That is the answer to all the woes in Indian country (not really but is where to start), to feel good about who you are, and KNOW who you are. That is what indoctrination will do.
You have to start with the people when they are young. Start at home. Teach them about being Native. Use the schools to sink the message in; you are a good people. These are your people and this is where you come from. These are the Teachings of your People. The Teachings of Creation, the Language, the Way of Life.
That is the answer, Teach the kids about who they are. Not what the world wants them to be. They are different. They have their OWN Teachings. We know about the teachings of other people, but not our own. So that is where to start. If we don't differentiate from the main stream, we will continue to spiral down the path of despair. That is where many of us are right now. Many people living on the edge of society, not fitting in. But Indians can fit in society, but on their Terms.
It is great to see the Jew wearing a Kippah, or a Sikh wearing a Turban. Society gets all bent out of shape for a person wearing a kirpan. I love the look of the Dashiki. In Winnipeg, Manitoba you are starting to see more people wearing the African shirts, Dashiki. For Aboriginal People they wear their Braids proudly, happily. There is history there and differences there. That is what is great about people, they are different.
Indoctrination of Native people to be Native people is what will change their way of life.
When you hear about indoctrination you tend to think in negative terms. Like a cult or about fundamentalists or even extremists. Lot of that thinking may be influenced by media, but that's another topic. I believe that indoctrination serves a purpose and can be beneficial to society.
I realize the aim in many people's mind is to be of one race, the Human Race. Let us all get along and be at Peace. That is not going to ever happen. Our differences is what life is about (whether good or bad).
I really like that I am different and part of a group. I am Anishinaabe, Sagkeeng born and raised, a man, a Dad, a Son, an uncle, a granddad, a cousin, a Baby boomer, and a good friend to some. It is who I am. That is what indoctrination is really about, defining us.
The Governments of Canada and the United States attempted to change the identity of many Natives (and other peoples; Blacks, Chinese, Latino, etc) to be something different than who they are. In many instances the indoctrination attempts did not work well. The indoctrination didn't work for a variety of reasons. The main reason being that in their attempt to change the person, they first knocked down, who they are. That didn't make sense in the people's minds. So the result was a mixed message. Be this person because the person who you are is no damn good. Most people don't want think of their Being as no damn good. They want to feel good about themselves, not feel bad about who they are.
That is why indoctrination should be about what is good and great about who you are. For Native people, Indians, it is all about feeling good about being Native, being Indian. That is the answer to all the woes in Indian country (not really but is where to start), to feel good about who you are, and KNOW who you are. That is what indoctrination will do.
You have to start with the people when they are young. Start at home. Teach them about being Native. Use the schools to sink the message in; you are a good people. These are your people and this is where you come from. These are the Teachings of your People. The Teachings of Creation, the Language, the Way of Life.
That is the answer, Teach the kids about who they are. Not what the world wants them to be. They are different. They have their OWN Teachings. We know about the teachings of other people, but not our own. So that is where to start. If we don't differentiate from the main stream, we will continue to spiral down the path of despair. That is where many of us are right now. Many people living on the edge of society, not fitting in. But Indians can fit in society, but on their Terms.
It is great to see the Jew wearing a Kippah, or a Sikh wearing a Turban. Society gets all bent out of shape for a person wearing a kirpan. I love the look of the Dashiki. In Winnipeg, Manitoba you are starting to see more people wearing the African shirts, Dashiki. For Aboriginal People they wear their Braids proudly, happily. There is history there and differences there. That is what is great about people, they are different.
Indoctrination of Native people to be Native people is what will change their way of life.
My friend Larry Morrissette, boy I miss hearing him. Good guy, good sense of humour.
Friday, September 16, 2011
We are All Treaty People.
There is an Office of the Treaty Commissioner in Saskatchewan, a Treaty Relations Commission of Manitoba and similar offices in other territories. From what I can understand these offices are there to:
If it were not for the big television commercials, news paper advertisements and bus ads, I don't believe anyone really knew the offices existed. I am not sure what it exactly the office does, but I think appeasement is the goal? In any case, there is a product that is quite visible coming out of the TRCM and that is the slogan "We are all Treaty people". Cool. But what the heck does that mean? I guess it is a campaign to try and get people to...like Treaties? Not really sure.
The reason I wonder about the whole We Are All Treaty People push is that I just don't get it. The TRCM is a Canadian Government funded entity. I get that. I would suspect that education is part of its mandate. But with the government of Canada, their modus operandi has been to get out of the Treaty business. So why the push for a campaign to draw attention to the Treaties.
Let me put some context on this. Canada does not want to recognize the Treaties to begin with. They are trying to get away from the Treaty obligations they have made with the Native Peoples of Canada. The Treaties ( "a formal agreement between two or more states in reference to peace, alliance, commerce, or other international relations".) are Agreements between Sovereign Nations. The Canadian Courts have stated that Treaties between Indians and the Canada are sui generis. They don't want to it to mean that is an Agreement between two States, because its different. Okay, so its different, but really its not. That is one attempt to get out of the Treaty business, by not recognizing it as a Treaty.
In 1982 Canada altered its Constitution and moved it away from England. Some consider a good thing and others not. In any case its here. The Indians fought hard against the new Constitution, because of the Relationship they had with the Crown (Queen of England). Indians were afraid that Canada would once again burn them. The Canadian Government really wanted to bring the Constitution back home so they made some changes and added a part (Section 24 Charter of Rights and Freedoms and Section 35) where they recognized Aboriginal Rights. Good stuff, right? I would think so, even if the government did insert that little word: Existing. That puts everything in a tail spin. No one has really defined what Rights exist. Because the government has been reneging on all the Rights to begin with.
With the We are All Treaty People campaign, it does outline something that is true, Canadians do benefit (immensley) from the Treaties. Just look at all the Resources that has made Canada a developed nation. But what about the Indian? Yeah, the "you get everything" arguments have been the wooden bat for the naysayers of Treaty obligations. Let's not get into that aspect of what the Treaties promises were or the "Spirit and Intent" of the Treaty debate, but let's look at what is taking place.
Former Assembly of First Nations Phil Fontaine said it: "Our treaties were not negotiated and designed to have one party impoverish the other party to the agreement. Sadly and unfortunately that has been our history with respect to our treaties."
The other issue (and what is going on with the Treaty action) I have with the Government and the whole Treaty thing is that they are going about getting rid of Treaty by classifying Indians out of Treaty. We are not signatories, families or children of Treaty, we are "Status". Status is a classification under the Indian Act as to who is Indian and who is not. The classification is designed to end numbered Indians (get it Numbered Indians). So on the one hand the government affirms and recognizes the Rights of Aboriginal people through Constitution but yet classifies them out with legislation? What is the message here? Please forgive if I don't understand the whole "We Are All Treaty People" exercise.
If the Treaties were to benefit both Nations, why is it that the Government is actively involved in ending, not fulfilling the Treaties?
The Treaty Relations Commission of Manitoba (TRCM) is a neutral body created through a partnership between the Assembly of Manitoba Chiefs (AMC) and Canada with a mandate to strengthen, rebuild and enhance the Treaty relationship with mutual respect between First Nations and Manitobans.
The TRCM will enhance and maintain positive intergovernmental relations and cooperation, conduct independent research that advances discussion on Treaty related issues, and facilitate public understanding of the importance and role of Treaty making in building a stronger and healthier nation.
If it were not for the big television commercials, news paper advertisements and bus ads, I don't believe anyone really knew the offices existed. I am not sure what it exactly the office does, but I think appeasement is the goal? In any case, there is a product that is quite visible coming out of the TRCM and that is the slogan "We are all Treaty people". Cool. But what the heck does that mean? I guess it is a campaign to try and get people to...like Treaties? Not really sure.
Let me put some context on this. Canada does not want to recognize the Treaties to begin with. They are trying to get away from the Treaty obligations they have made with the Native Peoples of Canada. The Treaties ( "a formal agreement between two or more states in reference to peace, alliance, commerce, or other international relations".) are Agreements between Sovereign Nations. The Canadian Courts have stated that Treaties between Indians and the Canada are sui generis. They don't want to it to mean that is an Agreement between two States, because its different. Okay, so its different, but really its not. That is one attempt to get out of the Treaty business, by not recognizing it as a Treaty.
In 1982 Canada altered its Constitution and moved it away from England. Some consider a good thing and others not. In any case its here. The Indians fought hard against the new Constitution, because of the Relationship they had with the Crown (Queen of England). Indians were afraid that Canada would once again burn them. The Canadian Government really wanted to bring the Constitution back home so they made some changes and added a part (Section 24 Charter of Rights and Freedoms and Section 35) where they recognized Aboriginal Rights. Good stuff, right? I would think so, even if the government did insert that little word: Existing. That puts everything in a tail spin. No one has really defined what Rights exist. Because the government has been reneging on all the Rights to begin with.
With the We are All Treaty People campaign, it does outline something that is true, Canadians do benefit (immensley) from the Treaties. Just look at all the Resources that has made Canada a developed nation. But what about the Indian? Yeah, the "you get everything" arguments have been the wooden bat for the naysayers of Treaty obligations. Let's not get into that aspect of what the Treaties promises were or the "Spirit and Intent" of the Treaty debate, but let's look at what is taking place.
Former Assembly of First Nations Phil Fontaine said it: "Our treaties were not negotiated and designed to have one party impoverish the other party to the agreement. Sadly and unfortunately that has been our history with respect to our treaties."
The other issue (and what is going on with the Treaty action) I have with the Government and the whole Treaty thing is that they are going about getting rid of Treaty by classifying Indians out of Treaty. We are not signatories, families or children of Treaty, we are "Status". Status is a classification under the Indian Act as to who is Indian and who is not. The classification is designed to end numbered Indians (get it Numbered Indians). So on the one hand the government affirms and recognizes the Rights of Aboriginal people through Constitution but yet classifies them out with legislation? What is the message here? Please forgive if I don't understand the whole "We Are All Treaty People" exercise.
If the Treaties were to benefit both Nations, why is it that the Government is actively involved in ending, not fulfilling the Treaties?
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
I miss my friend
This Friday Thelma Hart and her partner Lyle Morrisseau will be hosting a Ceremony Feast Giveaway for their boy, Gerald Hart. The Ceremony will take place in Sagkeeng Anishinaabe Nation, Manitoba at the home of Thelma and Lyle on the North Side of the Reserve.
Gerald took his life 10 years ago. I have never met Thelma, but I am going to the Ceremony this Friday to say hi. It is important to remember. At least I like to think so. And Thelma's Words say it all.
From Thelma: "
Monday, September 12, 2011
Meet a beautiful Burmese woman: Naw Kay Seng
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| Kay standing by her weave |
I was glad to have met her and promised to have tea with her in the future.
Her name is Naw Kay Seng and you can contact her at 204-783-1195 in Winnipeg, Manitoba. Her wares are inexpensively priced. I bought sling bags for forty bucks. The items make great Give-away gifts, and Christmas, Hanukkah are coming up, so might want to have them for those occasions.
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| Kay just made this table clothe |
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| Some more product |
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| Sling Bags |
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| Her literature |
To Appreciate the art and her skill your really have to see the sling bags and scarves.  |
| Sling Bags and scarf. |
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