Feel Like the Fraud

• Rejoice not at thine enemy's fall - but don't rush to pick him up either. (Jewish wisdom)
• Can't do it, just can't do it. Can not in good conscience utter a good word about a few people who have recently died. Many times we just have to "mind our business." Some folks have heroes which are actually monsters. When people die, we can see it as a sad thing, a thing which we have no intense feelings about, our we can feel some kind of joy or pleasure. When singer John Prine died, I felt really bad. Not that we were good friends or even acquaintances, but he did have a place in my thoughts. His tunes really touched me in my "special spot." Side story; my special spot is a story I have with my wife. It didn't start off as a joke but a warning for her health, an Indian thing. You see we have a special spot on our back just below the neck. You see people always touching other people in that spot. You see someone crying publicly, and someone will come touch them on that special spot. The special spot is where you get medicine, whether it be good feelings or someone checking you out. With this you have to be careful about who touches your special spot. Someone with bad intentions can put "bad stuff" in you through your special spot.  I was telling my wife this as we walked downtown in the City. We were entering a store and I was saying to her as we were walking in, "and don't let people touch you in your special spot." Context is everything. My wife told her friend about the special spot and how I told my wife about it, while in public, and because I am hard of hearing, I tend to talk loud. I have no inside voice, I don't know how to whisper, I have been told.  So My wife is always being told by her friend, "and don't let anyone touch you in your special spot." We Indians are wary of people with bad intentions, you know, it could be "Bad Medicine." But the special spot could also mean something else, depending on context. So anyways back to someone dying recently. I see Rush Limbaugh died and people are RIP'ing him all over the place. I told my wife about Rush dying. She said she couldn't understand people like him. I told her because you have no hate and when you see people who hate, others,  you can't understand it. You see Rush is a pure dickhead, a douche bag, a rotten bastard who didn't deserve a good rich life, but from all accounts the guy did really good for himself. He gained wealth by spreading hate to others who were not straight,  not white, "not Christian" or were Women.  Convention has it that you don't say anything bad about the deceased but customs should be broken. As my friend says to people in the Reserve who are bad people; "And you! Your'e going straight to hell when you die." He tells them when they are still living so he doesn't have to say anything when they are dead. 
• There was this local guy who died a little while back. On social media there were plenty who were praising him and saying "a great man died today." I was not one of those people who would say he was a great man. Actually to me, he was far from a great man. He was a total toad, a predator, a blood sucker, a louse, a maggot, a rodent and a jackal. The kind of person who would feed off a corpse. I say this because of how I knew him. I met him about 22 years ago. He was being held in jail with about about 30 of other gang members. I heard he had turned his life around before he died and was working on helping people to stay out of gangs. Lot of gang members make jobs for themselves as they get older. They spend a good part of their lives leaching off people and then decide to tell kids not to be like them. I once drove a couple of ex-gang members to a school in a Reserve. I heard them tell their tales of being gangsters. These guys were very straightforward with no tales of fun and riches. It pleased me to hear them speak with no vulgarity to the kids in school. They treated the kids with respect and didn't pretend to be anything other than a couple of guys who quit gangs. So I respected them. The fellow who recently died, him I had no respect for. But then again I didn't follow his path after he left the gang life. I base may view on when I knew him in the gang, so I may have a bias against him. I wish I was big enough of a person to wish him all the best in the after-life. Can't do it, it would be real phoney of me and I would be a fraud. 
• I grew up very fortunate: I had a great Mom, a good Dad, a beautiful community, food, nice home and strong family ties. This background has done good by me. I have a strong attachment to my community, our people, our history, our culture and this is due to my up bringing. This does not mean I was always a good person. I mean yes, generally I was respectful, generous, kind and thoughtful. I was also jealous, cruel, petty and violent at times. There are people who adore me. They look at me as a kind good soul. For them it is true, because I have given them no reason to think but anything else. There are those who know me as being cruel, jealous, petty and violent. It is true, because I have not given them anything to think otherwise. It is this duality that makes me sad and filled with regret. I look in the mirror and wish the bad part of me didn't exist. I want to be what I seem to be, a good guy. It is not really true. I am a fraud or at least I feel like a fraud. The memories of my bad actions come to me almost every night and remind me of who I am, or who I was. So I try to quantify the good things and measure against the bad things. Good things should be the default in our lives. Trying to gage how much good you have done against the bad is a futile attempt at redemption. You can never erase the bad you did, no matter what you are doing. But you know what? Giving up on trying to do good is not an option. If it were then you truly are a fraud. 
• Everyone must feel like a fraud at some point. The academic may feel they are not worthy of the status of professor. The cop who uses their power in bullying manner. The Judge sentencing a man who is abusing the spouse all the while he is an abuser.  There are many who are literally frauds but there are many who are not but feel like a fraud. The good person who looks in the mirror but sees a bad person. The Mom who is loving but feels bad for having at least once lost their patience. 
• Feeling like a fraud doesn't have to be a constant. I have an education, some Native Traditional knowledge and Teachings. I have a Catholic knowledge from being at the Indian Residential School as a kid. I am a Dad, a husband, a brother, a cousin, a nephew, a grandpa, and a friend. So being a fraud is just one of the many things I am, we are. It doesn't have to be our number one characteristic. In fact many of you who feel you are a fraud are nothing close to being a fraud. It is a moment in time when we have doubt. That is it. So good ahead and feel like a fraud for a brief moment, but know you are much more. You are someone's special. Being a special is a heck of a better place to be.